


Eridan and his fuckin etchins

by FailureArtist



Series: Homestuck Chatlogs [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Forevver Alone, Humor, Other, Pesterlog, Trollmegle, repost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-06-08
Updated: 2012-02-11
Packaged: 2017-10-20 13:59:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 28,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/213516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I go on Trollmegle as Eridan and ask people if they want to see my etchings. This is what happens.<br/>If you are my partner in any of these logs and you want credit/deletion, please leave me a comment.</p><p>UPDATE 6/19/11: why did I delete this during my deleting orgy?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Eridan and Karkat

CG: WELL, ISN'T THIS JUST FUCKING PERFECT.   
CA: wwould you like to sea   
CA: huh?   
CG: HOLY SHIT, AS IF MY LIFE WASN'T ALREADY BEING FLUSHED DOWN THE LOAD GAPER AT A FAST ENOUGH RATE.   
CG: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?   
CA: um   
CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins   
CG: YOUR WHAT   
CA: my etchins   
CG: IS THIS A PERVERTED JOKE?   
CA: no   
CA: my art is no joke   
CA: kar   
CA: kar come back im lonely   
CG: I'M HERE.   
CG: LET'S SEE THIS SHITTY ART.   
CG: SO GO AHEAD   
CG: AND YOU DESERVE TO BE LONELY, BUT FUCK I'VE GOT NOTHING BETTER TO SPEND MY LAST FEW WEEKS OF LIFE DOING   
CA: step into my hivve   
CG: UGH   
CG: ALRIGHT.   
CA: please sit dowwn ovver there in eyesight of the bust of troll merlin   
CG: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCK.   
CG: HOW IS THIS FINE ART   
CG: THIS IS   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.   
CA: um those are my wwizard statues   
CA: my etchin ar e better   
CG: I DOUBT THAT, BUT LET'S SEE THEM ANYWAYS   
CA: frankly i should get rid an these stupid thins   
CA: wwizards are stupid   
CG: JUST YOU.   
CG: IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE GOT ANYTHING BETTER TO LOOK AT.   
CG: YEAH OK LETS GO SEE THAT ART.   
CG: WHY THE HELL SHOULDN'T I BURN MY EYES OUT?   
CA: dont you wwant to relax first   
CA: it must havve been a long trip from wwhatevver hut you call a hivve   
CG: RELAX?   
CG: OH FINE, SURE, LET'S GO CRACK OPEN A BOTTLE OF FAYGO   
CG: SLAM THAT SHIT   
CG: IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING RELAXATION PARTY.   
CA: you wwant somethin to drink   
CG: NO.   
CA: glub glub glub   
CG: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC, YOU ASS.   
CA: oh   
CA: but arent you thristy   
CG: NO.   
CA: not after your long wwalk   
CA: please sit dowwn   
CA: take off your shoes   
CG: UGH WHY AM I EVEN DOING THIS   
CG: THERE.   
CG: I'M SITTING.   
CA: wwiggle your feet in the direction of troll merlin   
CG: HAP PY?   
CG: WHY   
CA: let me take off your shoes   
CG: WOULD I EVER   
CA: ancestor of empress did you wwalk through a hoofbeast field to get here   
CG: WANT TO DO THAT.   
CA: your legs wwanted to do that   
CG: LET GO OF ME, YOU FISHY ASSHOLE.   
CA: i knoww lowwbloods cant get good clothes but this is ridiculous   
CA: oww stop kickin me   
CA: oww right in the pearls   
CA: okay you can take off your owwn damn rags   
CG: OR, I CAN NOT STRIP FOR YOU.   
CG: WHAT DID YOU THINK THIS WAS, A DATE?   
CG: WERE YOU INVITING ME TO YOUR HOUSE FOR SOME HOT WRIGGLER TEA?   
CA: did i say date id nevver say date   
CA: unless you wwant a date   
CA: <3   
CG: REALLY.   
CA: ?   
CG: DID NOT INVOLVE   
CA: <3   
CG: BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I CHECKED   
CA: friends?   
CG: LOOKING AT ART   
CA: that clubs sign?   
CG: BEING NAKED.   
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD   
CG: ARE YOU REALLY PROPOSITIONING ME FOR EVERY KIND OF ROMANCE AT ONCE?   
CG: PLUS FRIENDSHIP?   
CG: WHICH ISN'T EVEN ROMANTIC?   
CA: no   
CA: just the ones youll take   
CG: WHICH IS NONE OF THEM.   
CA: it wwill be romantic wwith us   
CA: anytime wwith me is romantic   
CG: GET THIS THROUGH YOUR INEXORABLY DENSE AND FUCKTARDED THINKPAN: NOBODY LIKES, LOVES, IS FLUSHED FOR, IS BLACK FOR, WANTS TO AUSPICTICIZE, KISS, MAIM, BE YOU FRIEND, OR DO ANYTHING AT ALL WITH YOU.   
CG: I WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE IF NOT FOR THE FACT THAT I LITERALLY HAD NOTHING ELSE TO FUCKING DO   
CG: AND NOW THAT I RECONSIDER IT   
CG: I DO HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO.   
CG: KILL MYSELF.   
CA: can i join you   
CG: WHAT.   
CG: WHY?   
CA: i think you already outlined the reasons up there   
CA: if i cannt livve wwith anyone ill die wwith someone   
CA: glub glub glub   
CA: let me get out my rifle   
CA: fuck howw do i shot myself wwith this its too long   
CG: I DIDN'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY   
CG: I JUST   
CG: WAS FREAKING OUT   
CG: BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FILL A QUADRANT WITH YOU.   
CG: OK?   
CG: CAN WE ALL ACCEPT THAT AND MOVE ON?   
CA: no   
CA: can you talk to kan for me   
CG: UGH I WASN'T BEING SERIOUS ABOUT THE KILLING MYSELF EITHER   
CG: JUST   
CG: I'M OUT   
CG: LATER, FUCKASS.


	2. Eridan and Dave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got cut off. Shame we couldn't finish our conversation, though what an ending!

TG: sup   
CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins   
CA: hello strange alien   
CA: its not like im havvin any success wwith my species   
TG: uh sure   
TG: what are etchins   
CA: fuckin art   
CA: you scratch up a metal plate   
TG: oh. etchings   
CA: yes   
CA: glub evveryone is so uncultured   
TG: sure hit me.   
CA: wwoww really   
TG: why not   
TG: might be ironic   
CA: rather forwward arent you   
CA: *bam*   
TG: forward   
Eridan punches Dave   
TG: naw im backward   
TG: in fact im backward to the right   
TG: at a 30 degree fucking angle   
TG: forward is too main stream   
TG: what do you etch   
TG: .....*puts hand on face and straightens shades)   
CA: are wwe in some sort of wweird timey hole   
TG: and suddenly why you arent getting anywhere with your species is becoming apparent   
CA: you wwere black prepositionin me   
TG: what   
TG: even if i knew what that meant im pretty sure i wasnt prepositioning   
CA: you told me to hit you   
CA: wwhat is that if it isnt askin for hate sex   
TA: .........   
TA: hit me is an expression   
TA: like give it to me   
CA: oh   
CA: human slang is wweird   
CA: step into my hivve   
TG: *follows eridan in if, for no other reason, than to be ironically chill*   
TG: *and boldly go where no human has gone before*   
TG: wow youre more literal than john   
TG: *fixes glasses on face and looks around*   
TG: where are the bees   
CA: bees   
CA: wwhat   
CA: wwhy wwould i havve those horrible thins in my hivve   
CA: do i look like that mustard blood   
TG: nevermind   
TG: *casts eridan a long look*   
TG: so what did you mean you werent having luck with your own species   
TG: *hands tucked into his suit pockets*   
CA: i dont havve luck   
CA: umm   
CA: please sit dowwn on that sofa   
CA: the one across from the bust of troll merlin   
TG: ....*raises eye at the bust and walks over and reclines*   
TG: *cause striders never just fucking sit*   
CA: yes recline more   
CA: take off that jacket   
CA: get comfortable   
TG: is this an art showing or a strip tease.   
CA: both   
CA: i mean   
CA: wwhat do you wwant it to be   
TG: ,......*raises a solitary eyebrow*   
CA: just an ironic joke   
CA: ha ha ha   
CA: snort   
TG: *watching eridan carefully*   
TG: *reaches hand up and loosens tie a little*   
TG: so youre the one nobody likes   
CA: they all fear my awwesome powwer   
CA: i intimidate them   
CA: evven spiderbitch wwas no match for me   
CA: she couldnt handle my intensity   
TG: quite obviously   
TG: your very intimidating with your scarf   
TG: and purple cape   
CA: let me take them off so they dont threaten you   
CA: oh my my shoulders are so broad   
CA: i can barely get this cape off   
TG: dude seriously   
TG: your a bit puny   
CA: youre puny   
CA: an one day ill havve shoulders you could land an albotross on   
CA: albatross   
CA: fuck howw do you spell that   
TG: which isnt altogether a bad thing   
TG: *watching rather amusedly from his seat*   
TG: *catches himself looking over the shoulders and neck*   
TG: hm   
TG: too bad   
TG: you look fine now   
CA: oh glub really   
CA: i love you   
CA: lovve   
TG: i mean i know theres a lot to love   
TG: but i thought your lot didnt love things   
CA: we havve more lovve than humans   
CA: four times as much   
TG: yeah you just kill things   
CA: an wwhat do humans do   
CA: lie back an get fucked by musclebeasts   
TG: excuse me   
TG: pardon what   
TG: musclebeasts   
TG: what have you been watching   
CA: ivve been wwatchin the nature channel   
CA: an my wwindoww   
CA: i cant understand equius those thins are scary   
TG: yes those are perfect things to watch for an exposee on muscle beasts   
CA: hello   
TG: w hat   
CA: you wwere spacin out   
CA: anywway i think wwe should just science those thins awway   
TG: let me ask you a question   
TG: why are you taking your pants off   
CA: umm


	3. Eridan and another Karkat

CG: ISN'T ANYBODY GOING TO FUCKING TALK ON HERE?   
CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins   
CG: DUDE, EW.   
CA: wwhy cant you evver be supportivve of me   
CA: here i go doin somethin that isnt killin all land dwwellers and you shoot me dowwn   
CG: BECAUSE YOU FORCED ME INTO A TUBE TOP AND SKIRT DECLARING IT WAS GOOD BECAUSE IT WAS MARCH.   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.   
CA: you looked great and you lovved it   
CA: you fuckin lovved it   
CG: OH YEAH IT WAS SO FUCKING WONDERFUL.   
CA: ter agreeded   
CG: HER OPINION DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING MATTER.   
CG: THAT WAS EMBARRASSING AS FUCK.   
CG: AND YOU TOOK PICTURES!   
CA: course i did wwhen you look that fabulous you need proof   
CA: wwe got so many friends on trollspace   
CA: all the friends   
CG: YEAH I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THEM!   
CG: YOU SAID THEY ONLY FRIENDED ME BECAUSE I LOOKED HOT.   
CG: THAT WAS NOT A GOOD REASON AT ALL!   
CA: troll angelina jolie became our friend   
CA: she wwas in that hacker movvie you should like her   
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS ACTUALLY HER YOU HAVE NO PRROF!   
CG: PROOF EVEN.   
CG: WHAT IF IT WAS JUST SOME RANDOM TROLL PRETENDING TO BE HER.   
CA: wwhy wwould you call yourself angelina jolie if you werent her   
CA: her picture wwas on her site   
CG: THEY JUST GOT...NEVER MIND.   
CG: YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.   
CG: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.


	4. Eridan and Sollux

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins   
TA: your what.   
CA: oh fuck you   
CA: can you evven see anythin   
CA: do you just sea red an blue   
TA: no ii'm kiind of half a2leep and your quiirk ii2 2tupiid.   
CA: your stupid   
TA: 2o goddamn, excu2e me your royal hiighne22.   
TA: oh what the hell ever, ampora.   
CA: come into my hivve anywway   
TA: ii don't know why every tiime ii run iinto you ii thiink you'll be at lea2t 2omewhat bearable.   
CA: my charm brins you back   
TA: why, ii'm tiired.   
CA: you can sleep at my hivve   
CA: i havve twwenty recupercoons   
TA: bluh, ii'm two fuckiing tiired two argue, even iif that ii2 a riidiiculou2 amount of recuperacoon2.   
TA: fiine.   
CA: step in   
CA: its back here   
CA: wwatch the step its a bit dowwn   
CA: fuck that made no sense   
TA: yeah yeah, ii get what you were tryiing two 2ay at lea2t.   
CA: behold!   
CA: my guest room!   
CA: vwa ha ha!   
TA: a mpora that'2 not even nece22ary. god ii'm goiing two wake up and regret not makiing 2narky comment2.   
CA: you wwont remember   
CA: wwant a drink before you go to cocoon   
TA: bluh, a driink..2ound2 niice, actually. ii'm kiind of thiir2ty, 2o 2ure.   
CA: here from my cask   
CA: a glass of sherry   
CA: or wwhatevver you lowwbloods call it   
TA: -rubs his eyes and stares up somewhat- sherry..uh, wiine?   
CA: yes wwine you moron   
CA: wwhat do normally drink piss   
CA: some sort of moonshine   
TA: water.   
CA: ha ha ha   
CA: you are so poor   
CA: noww take this glass already before it melts   
TA: ii've never had wiine before but ii would iimagiine ii'm the type who wouldn't take iit ea2iily, a22hole.   
TA: ea2iily..ii meant..well? good? fuck whatever, ii don't thiink iit would have a good effect on me.   
CA: wwimp   
CA: groww some fuckin shame globes bro   
TA: don't care about your 2tupiid iin2ult2 ampora.   
TA: iif th ii2 ta2te2 a2 dii2gu2tiing a2 iit look2, ii'm 2piittiing iit iin your face.   
TA: -grumbles and takes a sip, his eyelids drooping- iit'2 not..a2 bad a2 ii thought iit would ta2te ii gue22.   
CA: do you feel anythin   
CA: do you feel...forgetful   
TA: 2leepy..and ii don't thiink 2o but there'2 a naggiing feeliing iin the back of my head?   
CA: yes   
CA: drink more an it goes awway   
TA: mmh..2ure. -takes a larger sip, almost emptying the glass-   
TA: waiit, what am..ii 2uppo2ed two forget?   
CA: nothin   
CA: wwhat are you talkin about   
CA: maybe you need some rest   
TA: 2leep 2ound2..really niice.   
TA: waiit..ii'm 2uppo2ed two do 2omethiing before ii get iinto a recuperacoon ghh fuck what wa2 iit.   
CA: strip   
TA: mhmm..'kay. -peels his shirt off, unbuttoning his pants and sliding them down with a small yawn-   
CA: oh glub oh glub   
CA: wwait twwo?   
TA: -looks up through half lidded eyes with a hiccup- two?   
CA: is that normal   
CA: umm   
TA: mhn, ii gue22 2o, why.   
CA: can i touch them   
TA: -rubs his eyes, nodding a little- whatever.   
CA: wwhy are they on your chest   
TA: -blinks and tries opening his eyes- what?   
CA: look at me im tunin into troll tokyo   
TA: -holds his head and squeezes his eyes shut- ghhn, ii thiink ii need 2leep.   
CA: okay   
CA: yes climb right in   
CA: slowwly   
TA: mmh 2ure. -climbs in as carefully as he can manage, huddling up against the side and dozing off-   
CA: yesss   
CA: noww wwhat do i do   
CA: i guess kiss him   
CA: okay thats done   
CA: howw do i filled buckets   
TA: -furrows his brows in his sleep and lets a low sigh leave his lips- mmnh..   
CA: daaaadddddy i wwanna havve sex   
TA: -mumbles incoherently and nudges against the recuperacoon-   
CA: fuck this im gonna go jerk off


	5. Eridan and a mysterious stranger

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins   
?: No.   
?: I would like to warn you though.   
?: Do not kill the one who has made you your magic wand,   
?: regardless of how she irks you.   
CA: wwho are you   
?: Jack Noir.   
CA: fuck   
?: Wait,   
?: I am your Jack Noir.   
?: Not the Earth children's.   
CA: still fuck   
?: How?   
CA: you stab people   
?: That's just how Dersians greet.   
?: Surely you've noticed that, having been a Derse dreamer?   
CA: howw come i didnt get any black action wwhen i wwas there   
CA: just a bunch an creepy people calling me prince of hope   
?: Eridan, you don't get action at all.   
?: Annywhere.   
?: Except Prospit.   
CA: wwhy are you talkin so stiff noww   
CA: kar said you talked like a regular gangster   
?: Stiffly? What do you mean? I am not talking stiffly!   
?: People who talk stiffly have something to hide,   
?: which I don't.   
?: What.   
CA: wwhy are you ww earin that cloak   
?: ...My skin is breaking out.   
?: Dersian irritations are disgusting, you don't want to see them. I promise.   
?: Why are waving around a shitty magic wand?   
?: why is your cloak so fetchin   
CA: an wwhy is your vvoice so high-pitched   
CA: an wwhy do you havve acid globes   
CA: i mean breasts   
?: Are you really that unfamilliar with anatomy?   
?: I feel bad for not having as much pity on you.   
CC: glub. 38(   
CC: i'm sorry, -----ERIDAN!   
CC: it's just that i was talking with ROS---E and sh--E could s--ea that you w--er--e going to KILL KANAYA!!   
CA: wwhy wwould i kill my backup   
CA: i mean my friend   
CC: i don't know, ---Eridan. I'm th--e witch of lif---e, not the s---e---er.   
CC: but it's going to B---E BAD.   
CC: GLUB GLUB. 38(   
CC: i'm R---EALLY N---ERVOUS.   
CA: ill protect you fef   
CA: hey maybe kan will be a rainboww drinker then an ill just be savvin you   
CA: thats wwhy i ll kill kan   
CC: but that's just th--e thing, ---Eridan.   
CC: sh---e also sort of said that you w---er---e going to kill sollux.   
CC: i think i may hav---e something to t---ell you.   
CC: i mig)(t be waxing r---ed for )(im....   
CC: sort of   
CC: sort of not.   
CC: i'm sorry!! 38((   
CA: fuck him an fuck you too   
CC: ---Eridan, wait!   
CC: don't l---et this happ---en.   
CC: w---e can b---e fri---ends! 38)   
CC: lik---e t)(---e ---earth kids )(ave fri---ends!   
CA: do they fill buckets wwith their friends   
CC: i didn't know you F---ELT LIK---E THAT, ---ERIDAN!! 38O   
CC: i kn---ew w---e w---er---e moirails, but not T)(AT!!   
CC: and i don't know, mayb---e?   
CC: dav---e was glubbing som---et)(ing about fri---ends wit)( b--en--efits to m---e,   
CC: and i t)(ink it's t)(---e sam---e t)(ing?   
CC: but rig)(t now i want to g--et to know sollux   
CA: but you dont evven wwant to be friends   
CA: im so alone   
C C: no you'r---e NOT!   
CC: i do want to b---e fri---ends, ---eridan!   
CC: r---eally,   
CC: just not t)(at kind of fri---end.   
CC: mayb---e on---e day, but not rig)(t now   
CC: whil---e w---e'r---e in MORTAL P---ERIL.   
CA: oh baby   
CA: wwhy do you build me up   
CA: just to let me dowwn   
CA: wwhen im needin you   
CC: ---eridan, if it would mak---e you f---e---el ANY B---ETT---ER, i do know som---eon---e w)(o wants to fill buck---ets wit)( you.   
CA: oh wwwwwwoe is me   
CC: ---eridan!   
CA: me   
CC: PL---EAS---E.   
CC: NO.   
CA: wwho   
CC: SH---E TOLD M---E NOT TO T---ELL.   
CA: she?   
CC: But i will, b--ecaus--e w---e'r--e fri--ends.   
CC: n---ep---eta.   
CA: reely   
CC: t)(---er---e, said it.   
CC: y--es, reely!   
CA: last time she said that to me she tricked me   
CA: i wwent to her room an there wwas equius wwearin a pink tutu   
CA: an he didnt wwant to pail wwith me   
CC: )(ow could you no t SEA IT?! 38O   
CA: oh it wwas pretty big   
CA: wwait wwhat are you talkin about here   
CC: uug)(, w)(y do you mak--e t)(is so )(AAARRRRD?!   
CA: thats wwhat he said   
CC: Y---ES.   
CC: Sh---e and ---equius had a falling out. 38\   
CA: so i might end up in her pale quadrant   
CA: no thanks   
CC: FR---EAKING OP---EN YOUR EYES. t---er---ezi told m---e sh---e wants to tast---e your )(air!   
CC: )(ow is t)(at anyt)(ing l---ess t)(an mat--esprit making in the glubbing works?? 38)   
CC: mayb---e fiv---e p---eopl---e will ---ev---er want to to T)(AT, ---ERIDAN!!   
CA: she wwants to taste evverythin   
CC: 38(   
CC: th---er--e's som---eon---e out th---er---e, ---Eridan!!   
CA: you wwere my someone out there   
CA: let me wwalloww in self-pity   
CA: hand me that playtroll


	6. Eridan and Tavros

AT: hELLO,   
CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins   
AT: uHH,,, wHAT ARE ETCHENS,   
CA: prints made wwith metal plates   
CA: does no one on this planet havve a dictionary   
AT: oH,, uHH,, oKAY, i GUESS,   
CA: come into my hivve   
AT: bUT, uHH,, tHAT'S PRETTY FAR AWAY, aND, uHH,, i ONLY HAVE A 4-WHEEL DEVICE,   
AT: aRE YOU SURE, i SHOULD, uHH,, eVEN TRY,   
CA: its right ovver here moron   
CA: youre right in front of it   
CA: though i dont knoww howw you got here   
AT: wHAOH,,, uHH,, wOW, sORRY, uHH,,, i KIND OF JUST MADE AN IDIOT OF MYSELF,   
AT: nEITHER DO I,   
AT: uHH,,, oKAY, i'LL COME IN I GUESS, iF THAT'S OKAY,, uHH,, tHERE AREN'T ANY STAIRS ARE THERE,   
AT: wELL, uHH,, nEVERMIND, bY NOW IM ALREADY INSIDE,   
CA: i can carry you up them   
CA: wwhen i take you to my respiteblock   
CA: wwoww you movve fast   
AT: oKAY THEN,   
AT: yEAH,, i HAVE GOTTEN USED TO, wHEELCHAIRING,   
CA: please sit dowwn ovver   
CA: wwell movve ovver to across from the bust of troll merlin   
AT: aLRIGHT,, ,   
AT: oKAY, tHERE,   
CA: dont look at the bust   
CA: yes   
AT: uHH,,, wHY SHOULD I NOT LOOK AT THE BUST,   
CA: its evvil   
CA: steal your soul or some shit   
CA: it has magic powwers   
CA: umm   
AT: oHH,, wELL, uHH, tHANKS FOR THE WARNING,   
CA: please take off your jacket   
AT: uHH,,, aLRIGHT,   
AT: sO, uMM,, eTCHINS, rIGHT, uHH,, yOU WERE GOING TO SHOW ME THEM,   
CA: you need to relax first   
CA: youre so tense   
AT: wELL,, uHH,, i GUESS I AM,, bUT, i THINK IT'S JUST BECAUSE,, uHH,, i AM IN A WHEEL CHAIR, iN,, uHH,, hIGHER BLOOD AREA, aND,,, yEAH,, jUST,, i DON'T THINK I SHOULD BE HERE,, oR SOMETHING,   
CA: i wwill keep you safe   
CA: all you havve to do is be my friend   
CA: a really good friend   
AT: uHH,, oKAY, tHAT SOUNDS GOOD, i LIKE MAKING NEW FRIENDS,   
CA: let me givve you a massage   
AT: uHH,,, i THINK THAT,, wOULD BE A LITTLE AWKWARD,, uHH,,   
AT: i MEAN, nO OFFENSE,, uH,   
CA: wwhy must evverythin be awwkwward for me   
CA: glub glub glub   
CA: let me cry on your strong shoulders   
AT: oKAY,, uHH,, i THINK IT'S BEST TO, uHH, lET YOUR EMOTIONS OUT, oR SOMETHING,, uHH,,   
CA: oh tavvros make me feel pretty   
AT: uUHHHH,,,, hOW WOULD I DO THAT,   
CA: i heard it in a movvie an i thought it sounded sexy   
CA: wwait that wwas a movvie about moirails pailin an feelin ashamed   
CA: an it wwasnt sexy   
AT: oHH,, hUH,, wHAT WAS IT CALLED,   
CA: ask kar i dont remember any of those titles   
CA: noww hug me tavvros   
CA: and take off your shoes   
AT: eHEH, yEAH, i'M SURE HE WOULD KNOW, hE ALWAYS WATCHES THOSE ROMCOMS,   
AT: uHHHHH,,, oOKAY,,   
CA: an wwiggle your toes towward the   
CA: oh yeah   
CA: oops   
AT: }:( ,,   
AT: tHATS,,, oKAY,,   
CA: do you wwant a drink   
AT: uMM,,,, yEAH, i GUESS THAT WOULD BE NICE,   
CA: stay here an dont leavve me   
AT: oKay,,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Person had to leave.


	7. Eridan and Jade

GG: well that sucked!   
CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins   
CA: i did?   
GG: your what?   
GG: what?   
CA: youre the one comin up to me sayin nonsense   
CA: wwhat the glub sucked   
GG: what are you talking about!   
CA: wwhat sucked   
CA: ?   
CA: you made me break my typin quirk   
GG: well i had met my favorite cuttling friend on here and then she totally just ditched me!   
GG: she had my hopes up and just dashed them like that! :c   
CA: cuttling   
CA: wwhats that   
GG: oh sorry her fish puns are wearing off on me...   
GG: cuddling, silly!   
CA: oh my god cuddlin   
CA: you cuddle wwith fef   
GG: is there a problem with that?   
CA: no no problem at all   
CA: does her hair still smell nice   
GG: what kind of question is that! O:   
GG: wait what!   
CA: tell her i miss her   
GG: oh gog i can't do that it'll sound so weird and creepy!   
GG: you have to tell her yo urself!   
CA: she wwont let me   
CA: is she still wwith that captor jerk   
CA: did she dump him   
CA: is he a better cuddler than me   
GG: how am i supposed to answer these eridan!   
GG: D:   
GG: you're starting to really creep me out...   
CA: evveryone says that   
CA: evven equius   
GG: oh gosh i'm sorry i didn't mean it like that!   
CA: do you pity me   
GG: look the only thing that's creepy is the fact that you can't move on! i'm sure if you got over feferi then i would be more willing to be friends and whatnot with you!   
GG: you're a nice guy, seriously!   
CA: i hit on nep   
CA: does that count as gettin ovver her   
GG: did you think of feferi while you were doing it?   
CA: an i hit on your frienemy tt   
CA: so im so ovver vris   
CA: vvris   
GG: ugh i don't know how to give relationship advice!   
CA: kar is supposed to be good at it   
CA: but he just tells me to stop glubbin an leavve him alone   
GG: lo ok do you actually like those girls or were you doing it just to distract yourself from fef?   
CA: i havve more lovve in my aquatic-based bladder than you humans   
CA: only one type of fuckin lovve   
CA: wwhats wwrong wwith you   
CA: wwhy dont you livve in the sea   
GG: that doesn't answer my question at all!   
GG: stop it stop turning your sadness into anger!   
GG: calm down!   
CA: i just wwant to be lovved   
GG: *takes you into her arms and hugs you close*   
CA: oh glub   
GG: it's okay, silly.   
GG: don't worry.   
GG: *rubs your back softly*   
CA: oh glub   
CA: oh shi-   
CA: sorry for the mess   
GG: what mes--oh gosh.   
GG: oh my. o///o   
CA: fuck fuck   
GG: no don't freak out!   
GG: it's fine it's fine!   
GG: don't worry! :)   
GG: we can clean this up, and i don't think anything less of you cause of it!   
CA: come into my hivve so you can clean up   
GG: o-o-oh, okay.   
CA: my bathroom is upstair s   
CA: do humans say bathroom   
GG: yes yes they do!   
GG: okay, give me a bit, i'll be out soon.   
GG: *realizing she has no change of clothes, she comes out wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around her*   
GG: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh eridan?   
GG: what do i, uhm, do?   
CA: oh god   
CA: ill be in my cocoon   
GG: you can't just leave me here!   
GG: wait what where are you going?   
GG: *follows you to your cocoon*   
CA: ahh   
CA: um i guess now youvve seen my etchins   
GG: i still don't know what you mean by that!   
CA: dont look at me   
CA: nevver look at me   
CA: seadadddyyy!   
GG: *with her back turned* what what what are you talking about why not!   
CA: these etchins are fine art   
CA: its not porn   
CA: an seahorse says im normal for a troll my age   
CA: wwell he neighs it   
GG: and find a way for me to cover up cause this towel is hard to hold up forever do you have some sort of blanket or bed or something i can hide into?   
GG: you're either going to have to explain in more detail or let me look around or something cause i still don't understand!   
CA: here put on this skirt and tank top   
GG: what why do you have those!   
CA: ummm   
CA: in case a girl like you showwed up   
GG: and those won't even fit i'm very petite and those would probably just slide off!   
CA: are you callin fef fat   
GG: no i'm not calling anyone fat i'm just very tiny---wait feferi?   
GG: are those her clothes!?!   
CA: heh are you jealous   
CA: no i just alchemized them based on her   
GG: look eridan i was just about to start giving you a chance but look more signs of an obsession with her!   
GG: i can't take it! ugh!   
CA: just because i have a few pictures of her in my respiteblock   
CA: an not all these etchins are of her   
GG: *sigh*   
GG: i want to like you - as a friend or something more, i don't know! - but you're probably just going think of her during any time i spend with you.   
GG: and i can't handle that.   
CA: then try another quadrant   
CA: you alwways seemed like you hated me   
GG: i don't want to hate you though!   
GG: all you want is love and i don't want to give you the opposite!   
GG: that'd just make you feel horrible! :c   
CA: so you wwant to be my moirail   
GG: i don't want to be your anything if you're not over feferi!   
CA: wwhy do you keep brin up fef   
GG: because you can't give her up apparently!   
CA: feeeeeeeeeefff wwhy did you leavve me   
CA: please go you dont wwant to sea me cry   
CA: reely i get all snot nosed an shit   
GG: see if you keep doing that i can never love you!   
GG: ugh!


	8. Eridan and Aradia

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins   
AA: etchings?   
AA: sure why not   
CA: enter my stately hivve   
CA: do they havve anythin like this on your little planet   
AA: eridan were from the same planet   
AA: its aradia   
CA: oops   
AA: your hive is really nice though   
CA: i didnt recognize you in that suit   
AA: haha you sea trolls sure are strange sometimes!   
CA: im not the one wwho died an came back a robot an died again   
AA: okay yeah i admit thats pretty strange   
AA: im back for good this time though!   
CA: for good times you say   
CA: please sit dowwn across from the bust of troll merlin   
CA: on that lovveseat   
AA: alright   
AA: -sits on the lovveseat-   
CA: no not the loweseat the lovveseat   
AA: ...of course -sits on the loveseat-   
CA: yes   
CA: ill just sit dowwn here beside you   
AA: so what is this about   
AA: something about etchings?   
CA: not so fast   
CA: you must be in the right mind first   
AA: how do i get in the right mind   
CA: let me play some music for you   
CA: -takes out remote-   
CA: -presses play-   
CA: howw do you like this music   
CA: aradia?   
AA: oh its nice i guess!   
AA: i didnt know you liked music   
CA: its about howw female trolls should put their vestigial mammary glands on clear surfaces   
CA: so that others may enjoy them   
AA: huh   
AA: sounds like a song dave would have   
CA: wwhos this davve   
AA: hes a friend   
CA: just a friend   
CA: is he one of the humans   
AA: yes he is   
CA: i only knoww the names of one of them   
CA: ross or somethin   
AA: dave and i are both time players   
AA: rose   
CA: rose   
CA: i dont get human names at all   
CA: time players   
CA: that sounds sexy   
AA: haha i dont know if time is sexy!   
CA: make some time for us   
CA: did that sound cool or just like an advvertisting slogan   
AA: somewhere in betwe en   
CA: yawwn   
AA: not too bad though   
CA: an a longer day   
CA: wwhat a long night   
CA: -puts arm around aradia-   
AA: -looks at the arm around her- oh   
CA: if you dont mind me putting my arm around you lets make out   
AA: wait what   
AA: mr ampora are you trying to seduce me   
CA: is it wworking   
CA: please say yes   
AA: its   
CA: im in a really fragile state right noww   
AA: im not leaving just yet   
CA: wwoww   
CA: wwhat does that mean   
AA: it means i might be okay with it   
AA: try a little more subtlety though   
CA: can you showw me howw to be subtle   
CA: i usually do dramatic   
CA: like this!   
AA: well   
AA: its like flirting   
CA: owww!   
CA: my ankle hurts   
AA: eridan that is not subtle   
CA: but it does hurt   
AA: try for more eye contact   
AA: but not creepy stare amounts   
AA: thats equius' gig   
AA: what did you do to it   
AA: oh   
CA: but you liked eq uius   
AA: i hated him too   
CA: platonically or...   
CA: no one hates me that wway   
AA: i know they dont   
CA: did your robot body really havve...   
AA: so thats why you need to be more subtle about these things!   
CA: is equius really....   
AA: did my robot have what   
CA: im bein subtle so im not goin to say genitals   
CA: oops   
AA: oh   
AA: yes it did   
CA: oh   
CA: umm   
CA: lets go up to my block to sea the etchins   
AA: is that too much information   
CA: no   
CA: come upstairs wwith me   
AA: eridan are there any etchings or are you just trying to get me upstairs   
CA: ladies first   
AA: thank you -heads up stairs-   
CA: yes   
Cut off, but later…   
CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins   
AA: oh hello eridan!   
AA: are you going to try and seduce me again   
CA: aradia   
CA: do you wwant me to seduce you   
CA: nice wwings by the wway   
AA: it wouldnt hurt to try!   
AA: and thank you   
CA: come into my hivve   
AA: alright -makes her way into his hive-   
CA: i should probably showw you the actually etchins this time   
CA: im a bit nervvous here   
CA: you are a god noww   
AA: true but im still just me really   
AA: also if youre seducing me dont be nervous   
AA: or at least pretend you arent   
CA: im good at pretendin fakey stuff just you wwatch   
CA: im the wwizard of fake crap   
CA: ha cowwer before me redblood   
CA: lick my fashionable shoes   
AA: why would i do that   
CA: because im   
CA: because im askin you?   
CA: fuck dualscar wwould nevver say that   
CA: i wwish id nevver heard of him   
CA: stupid vvris   
AA: oh come on just be yourself   
AA: i like you better than some dead guy anyway   
CA: but myself is pathetic   
CA: i thought you wwere into dead people   
CA: dead people are all the rage noww   
AA: i am not into dead people   
AA: i spend a lot of time with the m   
AA: but its not like a thing you know   
CA: i think fef is into dead people   
CA: she kissed sol when she wwas dead   
AA: personally i would guess she was into tentacles   
CA: that sounds wwrong   
CA: wwronger than necrophilia   
CA: doesnt that remind her of her lusus   
AA: you would think so   
AA: but i try not to judge   
CA: thats wwhy you ended up wwith equius   
AA: yeah he definitely has his kinks   
AA: most of them involved me beating him up   
CA: none of them include me   
CA: thats only kinky if they dont beat back   
AA: he didnt   
CA: wwoww   
CA: im not kinky   
CA: can i see your feet   
AA: my feet   
AA: okay i guess   
AA: -sits on a chair to remove her shoes and stockings-   
CA: alwways lovved those stockins   
CA: can i lick your feet in a totally not at all submissivve wway?   
AA: if thats what floats your boat   
AA: tch youre not kinky my ass   
CA: howw is this kinky   
CA: fef h ad me suck on her toes all the time   
AA: seriously   
AA: did you not realize thats kind of odd   
AA: and incredibly kinky   
CA: huh   
CA: i did wwonder about that   
CA: and wwhy sollux started doin it to her after our pale breakup   
CA: oh wwoww wwhat the fuck did i miss wwith fef   
AA: she gets off on it eridan   
CA: i wwas used   
CA: i thought i wwas just bein used but it turns out i wwas bein USED   
CA: awwesome   
AA: -face palm- thats usually not a good thing eridan   
AA: so do you know what gets you off at all   
CA: people likin me gets me off   
CA: sex is my biggest fantasy   
AA: yes but what specifically   
CA: fef and vvris   
CA: and evveryone   
CA: kill all landdwwellers didnt really get me off as much as people think it does   
AA: well its nice to know you dont want to fuck me and kill me   
CA: only half of that   
AA: i sincerely hope you do not mean kill   
CA: like killin you wwould mean much   
CA: its so ovverdone by noww   
CA: not that it wwas great in the first place   
CA: sol did it first for cod sake   
AA: hah sollux did a lot of things first   
CA: wwhat do you mean by that   
AA: are you serious   
CA: oh its an innuendo type thin   
CA: okay   
CA: can i go second   
AA: yes it is   
CA: i think that wwould piss sol off   
CA: take his number   
AA: who said you would be second   
CA: but you wwere a robot at the time   
CA: howw does that wwork   
AA: what   
CA: oh fuck equius   
AA: sollux and i were together when i was alive   
AA: mhmm   
CA: i meant bein the second person   
CA: oh good wwhat a relief you didnt do it wwith equius   
AA: no i did   
CA: fuck   
CA: you need to fuck a third person   
CA: so i can be the fourth person   
CA: and say ha im twwo times twwo   
AA: eridan i recommend you dont assume you know how many people ive been with   
AA: its not about number   
CA: did you evver tell sol that   
CA: hes all about the numbers   
CA: i dont evven care i just wwant to piss him off   
AA: sollux wouldnt mind though   
CA: wwhy not   
AA: were not that exclusive anymore   
AA: and hes willing to share   
CA: oh yeah hes suckin fefs toes noww   
CA: share   
CA: share wwhat   
AA: share me   
CA: im not willin to share   
AA: well youll have to get over that   
AA: its not like were going into a relationship here   
CA: sorry   
CA: do you think neps interested   
AA: i have no idea honestly   
AA: cant you just be casual about this sort of thing   
AA: might as well enjoy living while you can   
CA: romance is serious business   
AA: have you ever been with anyone   
CA: yes   
CA: all the time   
CA: i got vvris nearly all the time   
CA: plus all the lickin i did wwith fef   
AA: you didnt even know that was sexual   
CA: it still counts   
CA: like it counts all the times equius fucked you before you became a robot   
CA: i assume that happened   
CA: freakin pervv   
AA: he didnt fuck me before i became a robot   
CA: howw do you knoww   
AA: the robot was new   
AA: and before i possessed it i was either a ghost   
AA: or alive   
CA: i mean before the wwhatsit magic thin happened   
AA: okay now im just confused   
CA: he made a robot   
CA: robot look like you   
CA: he fuck robot   
AA: that wouldnt count anyway   
AA: i wasnt there   
AA: it just looked like me   
CA: wwoww you arent at all disturbed by that premise   
AA: i honestly just dont care   
AA: he was probably too nervous to try it   
CA: i dont evven knoww if it happened or not   
CA: i think i wwould prefer to be there if anyone had sex wwith me   
CA: but i wwouldnt mind it   
AA: but the robot wasnt me until i possessed it!   
CA: i dont know   
CA: if vvris had gotten equius to build a me bot and then she started playing mindfang and dualscar wwith it   
CA: i wwould wwant a soul bot cam for that   
AA: right   
AA: personally i prefer to be alive and present for sexual encounters   
CA: oh look at miss picky here   
AA: mhmm yes im picky because im not desperate   
CA: maybe if people lovved me i wwouldnt be desperate   
CA: hmmm...   
CA: outsmarted you there   
AA: maybe you would get laid more if you didnt come off as desperate   
CA: maybe people only think im desperate   
CA: maybe its all just a devvious plan   
AA: so you wouldnt care if i just left right now   
CA: please dont leavvvve me   
AA: oh   
AA: why do you want me to stay   
CA: see i can be subtle   
AA: that was not subtle   
CA: you dont knoww if im desperate or not   
AA: you are so desperate   
CA: shouldnt that wword   
CA: wwork   
AA: no eridan   
AA: thats what turns people off   
CA: i ask kar and he says pity is part of troll lovve   
AA: yes but its not everything   
AA: you ca n be too pathetic   
CA: but im so pitiful people dont pity me   
CA: wwhat givves


	9. Eridan and Nepeta

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins   
AC: :33< what could you pawssibly mean by that   
AC: :33< mister ampurra?   
CA: do you knoww anythin about art   
CA: shorely your moirail taught you somethin   
AC: :33< of course i do silly!   
AC: :33< i'd pawsitively adore to see your   
AC: :33< err   
AC: :33< etchins   
CA: step right into my hivve then   
AC: :33< *ac playfully follows ca into his hive*   
CA: let me lock the door behind us   
CA: its dangerous outside   
AC: :33< *the feline giggles at the sea dwellers paranoia*   
AC: :33< *i'll be fine she says boldly*   
CA: please sit dowwn ovver in that lovveseat   
CA: the one across from the bust of troll merlin   
AC: :33< *she s33ks out the loveseat and gently curls up in it, awaiting further instruction*   
CA: fuck dont take up the wwhole thin   
AC: :33< *sh33pishly, ac purrvides space for the sea dweller to take his seat*   
CA: ill sit dowwn next to   
CA: mother of pearl did you crawwl through a musclebeast   
AC: :33   
AC: *:33< eridan i dont have all day you know!   
CA: take off your coat please   
AC: :33< *sighing in slight vexment, ac removes her coat and sets it on her lap*   
CA: no set it farther away   
CA: like in the disposal bin   
CA: the incinerator   
AC: :33< *a bit purrplexed by ca's request, she simply sets it down beside the dispurrsal bin* :33   
CA: thank you cod   
CA: noww wwhere wwere wwe   
CA: hey you dont smell half bad noww   
AC: :33< alright eridan   
CA: you smell like fish in a good wway   
AC: :33< is there anything you would purrfur me to do right now?   
CA: oh cod   
CA: wwhat a loaded question   
CA: umm   
CA: can i take off your hat   
CA: and your shoes   
AC: :33< *whenever you would prefur, eridan! she purrs gently*   
AC: :33< *ac giggles and rests he r head upon ca's lap playfully gently jabbing her horns into his stomach*   
CA: oh wwoww   
CA: im carry a wwand in my pocket just so you knoww   
AC: :33< *nudging the sea dweller once more ac continues to purrod at cas stomach*   
CA: owww owww owww   
CA: stop its senstivve   
AC: :33< i'm just teasing! :((   
CA: fuck just teasin   
CA: i alwways get people just teasin   
CA: wwhen can i get somethin reel   
CA: fef wwhy   
AC: :33< *purrking up slightly ac pawses and sits upon ca's lap*   
AC: :33< what's wrong eridan?   
CA: i just wwant to be lovved   
CA: or at least pailed wwith a modicum of affection   
AC: :33< *furowning slightly ac leans over and ...*   
AC: :33< would you mind?   
CA: mind wwhat mind wwhat   
AC: :33< oh furrget it *she kisses ca's cheek in a more than furriendly manner!* :33 h33h33   
CA: oh cod oh cod oh cod   
CA: im done time to go to sleep moneys on the table   
AC: :33< money? you mean boondollars silly??   
AC: :33< you are so confurzling sometimes eridan! h33h33   
CA: i need to take off these dirty pants   
CA: not like you care youve already done it wwith me   
AC: :33< what?   
CA: whoop let me let out the griddle   
CA: get me a wwoot beer babe   
CA: and clean my pants   
AC: :33< youre reely purrplexing today for some reason   
AC: :33< is everything alright?   
CA: *faaaaaaaaarrrrts*   
AC: :33< ew   
CA: *scratch self*   
AC: :33< ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww   
AC: :33< *ac hastily makes her leave only to realize the door is locked!*   
CA: wwhy do you wwant to leavve me   
CA: wwhat did i do wwrong   
CA: ill go dowwn on you   
AC: :33< you are really vulgar eridan!   
AC: :33< oh no please dont!!   
CA: wwhat does "go dowwn on" mean anywway   
AC: :33< oh um   
CA: vvris alwways said it to me   
AC: :33&l t; 3333333333333333333333333333333333333333QUIUS H333333333LP PL33333ASE   
CA: oh shi   
AC: :33< 33333333333333333333QUIUS!!!!   
CT: *busts through door*   
CT: D-- > What is it Nepeta?   
AC: :33< eridan was trying to go down on me!! :((   
AC: :33< i'm furritened equius :((   
CT: D-- > Oh dear   
CT: D --> That is so l00d   
CT: D-- > To go down on someone so low on the hemospectrum from you   
CT: D-- > No offense, Nepeta   
AC: :33< none taken ;;((   
CA: i still dont get wwhat it means   
CT: D-- > Come wwith me, Nepeta   
GA: *Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*   
AC: :33< ok equius :33   
CA: nooooooooooo hey equius you left quadrant empty   
GA: You Shut Your Filthy Mouth, Sea Dweller   
CT: *leaves before he can answer that*   
CA: fuck is this a shit on eri party noww   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was Equius, other person was Kanaya.


	10. Aradia just keeps happening

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins   
AA: oh hello again eridan   
AA: havent we been over this   
CA: wwe keep bumpin into each other   
AA: thats true   
CA: maybe its fate?   
CA: oh   
AA: perhaps it is   
CA: i think i may be dead   
AA: ah   
AA: well that would make sens e   
AA: you wouldnt happen to be chainsawed in half would you   
CA: yes that did happen   
CA: luckily i keep a sewin kit on me at all times   
CA: kan gavve me that idea   
CA: wwait wwhat the fuck happened wwith kan back there?   
AA: shes a rainbow drinker   
AA: and im glad you got yourself back together!   
CA: i thought those wwere fakey fake stupid bullshit   
AA: i think you can decide that for yourself   
CA: howw did she become a rainboww drinker   
CA: and wwhy wwould she do that to me?   
AA: i have no idea how   
AA: and because you killed her   
C A: oh that   
CA: she rushed at me   
CA: i wwas under a lot an stress   
CA: she wwas my best friend   
AA: nevertheless you killed her   
AA: and she got revenge   
CA: she nevver tried to kill me wwhen i killed before   
AA: yes but you didnt kill her   
AA: or feferi   
CA: i kill her and suddenly its personal   
CA: feeeefffff   
CA: wwhy?   
CA: if only you hadnt interfered   
CA: i dont evven think i killed sol   
CA: fuckin figures   
CA: i dont kill the one guy i wwant to kill   
CA: and i kill twwo awwesome chicks instead   
AA: you didnt   
AA: hes blind though   
CA: score one for me   
CA: try and do that lighty thin noww   
CA: i wwish my eyes could do that   
AA: haha i guess thats one way to look at it   
CA: more like one wway he cant look at it   
AA: oh my god do not make me laugh that is terrible   
CA: so i am clever   
CA: ?   
CA: i need to use those ? thins more   
AA: yes eridan you are clever   
AA: sometimes   
CA: i wwas the smartest guy on that rock   
CA: i wwas their scientist   
CA: noww that im gone mythological creatures like rainboww drinkers rule the place   
AA: eridan you were a wizard   
CA: im not a wizard im just eri   
AA: youre still a wizard eri   
CA: im not a wwizard im just eri   
CA: wwait i am a wwizard?   
CA: holy fuck   
AA: you have a wand that has magical powers   
AA: that is a wizard   
CA: fuckin awwesome   
CA: im gonna summon a incubus   
CA: or a succubus   
CA: fuck it wwere all bisexual here   
AA: i like how this is suddenly very easy to accept after death   
AA: eridan do not meddle with demons   
CA: not evven if they meddle me   
AA: eridan   
AA: no   
AA: that is nothing but trouble   
AA: if youre going to start summoning things start with something mostly harmless   
AA: like a dead person   
AA: or fae   
AA: summon me!   
CA: but youre already here   
CA: and not bringin me any wwoot beer   
AA: im not bringing you beer!   
AA: im not your servant!   
CA: then wwhy dont i summon somethin to be my servvant   
AA: why dont you do things for yourself   
CA: do you think i can summon equius?   
CA: is he still alivve or not   
CA: ?   
AA: oh my god if you summon him i am leaving   
CA: wwhy?   
CA: though really i wwant to make a golem   
CA: those thins nevver turn out bad   
AA: because i do not want to deal with that sweaty creep   
CA: hes your ex isnt he?   
AA: eridan   
AA: yes he is   
CA: havve you kept track an whos dead and who isnt?   
CA: is ter dead?   
AA: no shes not   
CA: shes blind and likes lickin thins wwouldnt be surprised if she wwas   
AA: whatever youre thinking   
AA: dont   
AA: she bites   
CA: i mean im surprised she hasnt licked poison yet   
CA: hell her survvivval just generally surprises me   
AA: shes not stupid you know   
CA: so wwhat   
CA: so shes still alivve   
AA: yes she is   
CA: wwhos dead then?   
AA: you   
AA: feferi   
AA: equius   
AA: tavros   
AA: nepeta   
CA: equius?   
AA: yes hes dead   
CA: howw did he die?   
AA: strangulation   
AA: via gamzee   
CA: wwoww is gamzee that strong?   
AA: he got off on his own death   
CA: so all this time i could have put my scarf on him and givin it a tug and he wwould havve been mine   
CA: great   
CA: course id nevver use my scarf that wway   
AA: oh really   
AA: for some reason i always saw you as a scarf bondage type of guy   
CA: but   
CA: hes swweaty   
CA: and also no im not that kinky   
CA: thats wwhy equius wwasnt interested in him   
CA: in me   
AA: huh   
AA: so youre just really vanilla then   
CA: totally   
CA: except for feet wwhich shouldnt evven count   
AA: eridan that total ly counts   
CA: howw does it count   
CA: likin acid globes is wweird   
CA: wwhat the fuck are those thins?   
CA: wwhy do wwe havve them?   
AA: i have no idea why   
CA: wwhy do male trolls havve vvestigal openins there?   
CA: i dont care for them   
CA: im not evven lookin at yours right noww   
AA: but you do get off on feet   
CA: no i get on feet   
CA: thats howw it wworks   
CA: but maybe it wwas just because fef had such beautiful feet   
CA: feeeeefffff   
AA: god if you keep whining over her like that im going to slap you   
CA: black rom?   
AA: arent you with vriska   
CA: no   
CA: vvriiiiiiiis   
CA: wwhy did you havve to remind me   
AA: shes alive you idiot!   
CA: i ended up flirtin wwith some wweird alien chick to get ovver her   
CA: great shes alivve that really helps me   
CA: im dead stupid   
AA: and that didnt work out did it   
AA: i know that   
AA: but dont whine over her as if shes dead too   
CA: shes dead to me   
CA: dead i say   
AA: ...alright then   
AA: you are a strange troll you know that   
CA: i wwas one of the more normal ones   
CA: havve you seen gamzee recently?   
CA: or at any time at all?   
AA: youre kidding me right   
AA: eridan you were not one of the normal ones   
CA: i didnt pretend to be a non-sentiant animal or get off on them   
CA: i wwasnt fuckin dead   
CA: i didnt havve a mutant brain   
CA: i didnt havve mutant blood   
AA: i mean in terms of personality   
AA: your hobby was genocide   
CA: a fine hobby for my caste   
AA: doomsay machines   
CA: youvve read some history havvent you?   
CA: my doomsday machines didnt fuck me up the nook   
CA: at least not literally   
AA: you couldnt just slaughter us you had to try to do it with giant stupid machines   
AA: i would hope not   
CA: slaughterins too sloww   
CA: a modern racist need s better methods   
AA: or you could just not be blindly racist   
CA: i wwasnt evven that good at bein racists   
CA: knoww howw many seatroll friends i had?   
AA: not many im guessing   
CA: one   
CA: fuck noww im thinkin of her again   
AA: and land dwelling friends?   
AA: -gives him a quick slap-   
CA: pretty much all my friends   
CA: for an expansivve   
CA: owwww   
CA: i didnt evven say her name   
AA: you were thinking about her   
AA: and whining   
AA: im taking you mind off of her okay   
AA: *your   
CA: noww im thinkin of her more   
CA: thanks a lot   
AA: -slap-   
CA: before i wwas thinkin of this one chick wwho wwas into the genocide thin   
AA: not a problem   
CA: owwww   
CA: stop that   
AA: stop whining!   
CA: evven vvris didnt slap me that much   
CA: anywway this one chick wwas interested in me   
CA: didnt realize til later   
CA: i wwas just pissed she found my fortress   
CA: im reminincing   
CA: about howw i didnt get laid this one time   
CA: wwhy the fuck did i start showwin her my wwizards?   
AA: you didnt get laid any of the times   
CA: sometime i got closer to bein laid   
CA: but fuck i was just barely 5 solar swweeps than   
CA: and she wwas 8   
CA: no i mean 7   
AA: but you still didnt get laid   
CA: wwhen did you first get laid hmmm   
CA: probably wasnt at 5   
AA: that is not important   
CA: its vvery important   
CA: if only i had livved long enough to groww less puny   
CA: havve you seen dualscar?   
CA: hes dead too   
AA: yes i have met him   
AA: he is   
AA: tall   
CA: howw tall   
CA: is he skinny tall?   
CA: or awwesome might and powwer tall   
AA: hes lean and tall   
AA: good muscle tone though   
AA: you could have been really hot   
CA: howw big are his shoulders?   
CA: see?   
AA: broad enough   
CA: but no that wwas nipped in the bud   
CA: good goin kan   
CA: also good goin sol for wipin out our civilization   
CA: howw come no one gets on him about that?   
AA: it was mostly me you know   
AA: he thought it would save us   
CA: thought wwrong   
CA: i only played the game cause fef   
CA: dont slap me   
AA: okay fine not this time   
CA: comes up sayin glub glub wanna play a GAM----EEEEE   
CA: i say yes   
CA: next thin i knoww her mom almost kills me   
CA: a bunch of angels try and kill me   
CA: then kan kills me   
AA: yeah life was hard   
CA: okay so you had it harder   
CA: howw did you die the first time?   
AA: ripped apart by psionics   
CA: oww   
CA: wwhich psionic troll did you piss off?   
AA: vriska   
AA: but she used sollux to do it   
CA: huh?   
CA: fuck   
CA: that is classic vvris   
CA: i should havve followed that shit more   
CA: wwhy does kar need to wwatch movvies wwith this shit goin on?   
CA: sorry about the sol thin though   
AA: its fine   
AA: i got better   
AA: and we worked things out   
CA: howw do you managed to wwork that out?   
AA: after i ascended we sort of took up together again   
CA: maybe theres hope for me and   
CA: dont slap me   
AA: you do realize you killed feferi right   
CA: me and nep?   
CA: and sol killed you   
CA: but you forgavve him   
AA: yes but he did it against his will   
CA: maybe i could convvince fef it happened against my wwill   
CA: or just get nep   
CA: i didnt kill her   
AA: true   
AA: but isnt she not interested   
CA: wwho is interested in me?   
CA: you gotta get them interested in you first   
CA: did you just wwait for sol to fly into your hivve?   
AA: it was a gradual process   
CA: good i got plenty of time   
CA: howw did you start out?   
AA: as friends   
AA: we always flirted though   
CA: i wwas friends wwith fef   
AA: im not slapping you   
AA: yet   
CA: but this is about lovve   
CA: maybe if the subject wwas wwizards id be silly to brin her up   
CA: howw am i not supposed to talk about her?   
AA: eridan you need to start getting over her   
CA: that might havve been easier before our species wwas almost wwiped out   
CA: hey maybe i should find another troll   
CA: oh fuck theres only elevven left and theyre all tired of me   
AA: im still talking to you arent i   
CA: stop teasin me like this   
AA: teasing you   
AA: i have no clue what youre talking about   
CA: you keep suggestin you dont totally despise me   
AA: i dont   
AA: im fond enough of you   
AA: i just also like slapping you   
CA: fef fef fef   
AA: -slap-   
CA: okay maybe i am a bit kink   
CA: fef fef fef   
AA: -slap slap slap-   
AA: i knew it   
CA: i think i like the idea you wwant to slap me   
AA: would you wa nt to hit back   
CA: if you wwant me to   
CA: fuck thins wwere easier wwith vvris   
CA: there wwas alwways a script   
CA: felt like wwe wwere pretendin to be other people   
AA: just be yourself   
AA: i like you more than dualscar   
CA: wwhy?   
CA: does dualscar havve bad breath?   
AA: hes just   
AA: overbearing   
CA: cool   
CA: i should go met him   
CA: is it wweird that i havve a crush on him?   
CA: i think the humans havve some wword for that   
CA: like insect or somethin?   
AA: its called incest   
AA: and i guess its kind of weird   
AA: but ehh   
CA: havve you met your ancestor?   
AA: no   
AA: i want to though   
CA: do lowbloods evven havve ancestors?   
CA: logically they must...   
CA: but do you really wwant to meet ye olde sef   
CA: serf   
AA: yes eridan i have an ancestor   
AA: ive been guided by them my entire life   
AA: and i want to meet her so badly   
CA: ((it's getting late))   
AA: {then sleep! }   
CA: *zonk!*   
CA: *Eridan is not sleepy*   
CA: *but he is still hungry*


	11. Eridan and Feferi

CC: ) (i!!   
CC: glub   
CA: wwould you like   
CA: hello   
CA: fef   
CA: are the rumors true?   
CC: O) (   
CC: Eridan   
CC: W) (at rumors?   
CA: you knoww   
CA: those rumors   
CA: please dont make me say it   
CA: ill cry   
CC: O) (, don't cry!   
CA: he said he heard it from gg   
CA: that human tg said it   
AA: But if I don't know w) (at you're talking about, I can't answer you!   
CA: are you really just like equius?   
CA: not that i knoww those rumors are true   
AA: ) (u) (?   
CA: that might be just somethin kar says   
CA: you knoww   
CA: you and your lusus   
CA: howw am i suppose to compete wwith that?   
CC: You t) (ink I ) (ave feelings for my lusus or somet) (ing?   
CC: T) (at's so silly!   
CA: howw is sol suppose to compete wwith that?   
CA: its not about feelins   
CA: its about lust   
CA: oh cod are you really like e quius?   
CC: W) (at? No, I'm not) (ing like t) (at!   
CC: I don't feel anyt) (ing like t) (at for my lusus!   
CA: oh good oh good wwhat a relief   
CA: i think   
CC: W) (o even told you t) (at?   
CA: turntech glubhead   
CA: talks in that stupid red text   
CC: I've not spoken to ) (im before!   
CA: but you havve spoken to the green text girl   
CC: But ) (e does seem to be very silly for making up somet) (ing like that!   
CA: and she talks wwith him   
CA: and the filthy thins he says!   
CA: did that scumsuckin human lie about you?   
CC: T) (e green text girl didn't say anyt) (ing filt) (y, t) (oug) (!   
CA: course not shes a pure innocent seaflowwer   
CC: S) (e was actually very nice, glub!   
CA: its all that red mutant kid   
CC: Well, I can't judge ) (im yet.   
CC: I ) (aven't even talked to ) (im!   
CA: dont talk to him   
CA: hes filth   
CA: not fit for a fuckin princess like you   
CA: you havve bad taste in men so i havve to protect you   
CC: Bad taste in men?   
CC: 38|   
CA: i wwont talk about sol   
CA: i wont talk about howw hideous his blood is by any standard   
CC: Ug) (!! Glub! It's ridiculous ) (ow jealous you can get over t) (e tiniest t) (ing!   
CA: i nevver accepted the breakup so were still on   
CA: like barnacles on a ship   
CA: wwe are still morrayails   
CA: in my aquatic bladder   
CA: im the captain and im goin dowwn wwith this ship   
CA: is he tiny?   
CA: yes i kneww it   
CA: he doesnt havve twwo bone bulges thats just ridiculous   
CC: W) (at?   
CC: Slow down!!   
CC: I can't even keep up wit) ( your conversations!!   
CA: sorry   
CC: I told you I didn't want to me moirails anymore.   
CC: And I wouldn't know ) (ow big Sollux is!!   
CA: yes   
CA: keep it like that   
CC: I can ruin it if I want to, glub!   
CC: You're not in control of my life!   
CA: im sorry your majesty   
CA: i should treat you like a ruler   
CC: No!! I just want everyone to be as equals! 38C   
CA: wwhat do equals do wwith each other   
CC: T) (ey say ) (ello and c) (at and smile and be friendly.   
CA: its not like you evver treated me as an equal   
CC: T) (ey don't t) (reaten to kill each ot) (er because of race!!   
CA: oh --eri you cant do that   
CA: im the big fuckin queen of youvville and i say no   
CA: wwhy didnt you evver order them to stop bein so...so   
CC: I only said no because all of your plans resulted in blowing up land dwellers!   
CA: maybe if the other races wwerent so fuckin terrible i wwouldnt havve to kill them   
CC: I didn't want to order t) (em to do anyt) (ing!!   
CC: And none of t) (em are terrible!   
CA: but they say stupid thins   
CA: like that seadwwellers smell like seawweed   
CA: and wwe wwear too many rings   
CA: and wwe dont need to wwear both a cape and a s carf   
CA: and wwhen we laugh wwe end up snortin and its not intimidatin   
CC: T) (at's really only you, Eridan...   
CA: wwell i cant speak for other seadwwellers   
CA: though i did find some that agreed wwith me   
CC: Well, it's because you ) (aven't given t) (em a c) (ance!!   
CC: If you actually made friends wit) ( some of t) (em, you would like t) (em more!   
CA: i made friends wwith kan   
CA: and somewwhat wwith kar   
CA: gam nevver insulted me   
CC: But t) (at's not very many people!   
CA: i forgot vvris   
CA: and yes that counts   
CC: But Vriska was your kismesis!   
CA: you dont wwant to kill off your kismesis   
CA: she wwas off the list   
CA: and on a different list   
CC: T) (ere are different lists?   
CC: I wouldn't know since I spent so muc) ( time focusing on you and not looking for anyone for myself!   
CA: wwhat about that one girl i set you up wwith?   
CC: S) (e was nice! But I didn' t ) (ave any red feelings for her or anyt) (ing!   
CA: you wwere supposed to havve black feelins for her   
CA: she fuckin came to your hivve to do battle   
CA: wwhat the hell did you end up doin?   
CC: Fine, no black feelings, t) (en.   
CC: I can't remember, to be ) (onest, I t) (ink we must've ended up looking at my sea) (orses.   
CA: ugggh   
CA: howw did you evver expect to fill your black quadrant?   
CC: I don't want to fill a black quadrant!   
CA: wwhy not?   
CC: Because I don't t) (ink I could ) (ate anyone t) (at muc) (!   
CA: wwhat if you did become empress   
CA: and some purple girl wwas like yo your skirt look like a dishrag   
CA: and she wwas so fuckin stuck up   
CA: so you take her to your privvate chambers and tell her to nevver say that again   
CA: and she says make me   
CA: and kisses you   
CA: wwhat wwould you do?   
CC: W) (at?   
CC: No I wouldn't!   
CC: You're going too fast again !!   
CA: reely cause im typin wwith one hand   
CC: ...... w) (at are you doing wit) ( t) (e ot) (er one?   
CA: umm   
CA: im turnin the pages on a book   
CC: But yes, you're going too fast!! I didn't even get a c) (ance to answer you.   
CC: O) (! Okay!   
CC: I wouldn't take t) (e girl to my room or anyt) (ing!! I would tell ) (er t) (at style is a matter of opinion.   
CC: And I just so ) (appen to like my skirt, so glub on t) (at!!   
CA: so you wwould reprimand her in front of the wwhole court   
CC: T) (e w) (ole court? You never mentioned t) (at.   
CC: ... w) (y would t) (ere be a court in t) (e first place??   
CA: i said if you wwere empress   
CA: imagine yourself as empress   
CC: Well, if I was empress...   
CC: I would be wearing regal clot) (es anyway!!   
CA: wwhat if she still hated your clothes?   
CA: wwhat if she hated them so much she tore them off you?   
CA: and you both fell in the mud   
CC: T) (en it's ) (er deal for ) (ating my clot) (es!! It's just clot) (es.   
CA: and?   
CA: wwhat about the rest   
CC: W) (at, falling in mud?   
CC: I could just clean myself afterwards.   
CA: she wwould be dirty too   
CA: wwould you clean her?   
CC: Well, I imagine s) (e could clean ) (erself!!   
CC: But I would probably provide ) (er wit) ( t) (e correct facilities if need be!   
CA: oh cod im so sorry   
CA: im just like equius   
CC: W) (at?   
CC: ) (owso?   
CA: i wwanted you to tell me about my fantasies   
CC: ... w) (at??   
CC: Eridan, t) (at's just so weird!!   
CA: i knoww   
CC: T) (en w) (y would you want me to do t) (at??   
CA: um   
CA: i thought it wwas obvious   
CA: you should tell me about your fantasies   
CA: hey wwouldnt it make you feel better?   
CC: I don't ) (ave any fantasies like t) (at!!   
CA: no fantasies at gull?   
CA: cod terrible pun there   
CC: Yes, t) (at was a terrible pun.   
CC: And no, no fantasies!   
CA: wwhat a sad life you livve wwitch of life   
CC: I don't need fantasies!   
CC: My life is perfect as it is, glub!!   
CA: youre right   
CA: you havve a perfect life   
CA: i havve too many fantasies and not enought realities   
CC: SIG) (.   
CC: You just ) (ave to socialise more or somet) (ing!!   
CC: And not be so negative!   
CC: If you cared a bit more about ot) (er people, ot) (ers will care for you, too!   
CA: reely?   
CA: i care a lot about people   
CA: a lot   
CC: O) (?   
CC: W) (en was t) (e last time you did somet) (ing for someone?   
CA: i did a lot for you   
CA: and for vvris   
CC: I don't count!   
CC: And ) (ow long ago did you do somet) (ing for ) (er?   
CA: ivve been busy   
CA: wwe all havve   
CC: T) (at's not t) (e point!   
CC: You can still be nice to people w) (en you're busy, glub!   
CA: wwhat havve you done lately?   
CA: havvent you been busy pokin brains?   
CC: I ) (aven't poked any brains!   
CA: wwhat did you do durin the game?   
CC: I revived Sollux and t) (en you killed me, t) (at was basically it!   
CA: wwhat???   
CA: i   
CC: ) (m. Am I speaking to you from a different area on t) (e timeline? 38T Troublesome!   
CA: actually i havve no idea wwhere i am   
CA: im standin outside my hivve on alternia   
CA: but apparently i played the game and met the humans?   
CA: actually before we talked i wwas fightin vvris and crazy gam and then   
CA: oh fuck   
CC: W) (at ) (appened?   
CA: it couldnt havve happened   
CA: i killed kan   
CA: rainboww drinkers are fake fakey stupid shit for idiots   
CC: Well! Glub! I t) (oug) (t s) (e was your friend!   
CA: me too   
CA: that bitch   
CC: 38T   
CC: I t) (ink you're being ) (ars) (!!   
CC: You killed ) (er!   
CA: she wwas attackin me   
CC: SIG) (. Okay.   
CC: I'll stop glubbing about t) (is.   
CA: it wwas nothin personal   
CA: wwoww   
CA: cant believve im dead   
CA: wwonder wwhat wwould havve happened if i did met bec noir   
CC: I don't know.   
CC: I don't t) (ink you could've beaten ) (im, t) (oug) (!   
CA: i didnt wwant to beat him i wwanted to join him   
CC: O) (, yea) (.   
CA: does no one listen to wwhat i say?   
CC: Sorry I keep mixing everyt) (ing up!!   
CC: I automatically t) (ink t) (at you want everyone but seadwellers to die now!   
CA: all the seadwwellers are dead noww   
CA: fuck i really messed up my genocide   
CA: id go dowwn in the history books for that   
CA: if there wwere any left   
CC: It is very sad. 38(   
CC: But I've accepted it, glub!! I managed to talk to green text girl w) (ile being dead!   
CC: ... ) (ey, Eridan?   
CA: yes   
CA: i talked wwith her too   
CA: wwait does this mean shes dead?   
CA: kneww she sho uld havve taken my rifle   
CC: No!! S) (e's not dead but ) (er dream self is!   
CC: U) (, ) (ey, Eridan, w) (y did you kill me?   
CC: If you don't mind me asking!!   
CA: you rushed at me   
CA: wwhy did you do that?   
CC: I don't remember rus) (ing at you!   
CC: I just wanted you and Sollux to stop fig) (ting!   
CA: dont meddle in duels woman   
CC: I can meddle as muc) ( as I want.   
CC: I was not expecting to get killed, t) (oug) (!   
CA: i nevver expected you to get killed either   
CC: You're t) (e one w) (o did it, glub!   
CA: but it didnt expect to do it   
CA: oh fef im so sorry   
CA: do you forgivve me?   
CC: ) (uff.   
CC: Well, I don't really ) (ave a c) (oice.   
CC: I'm ) (appy now as I was so I can forgive you!   
CC: Unless you do it again!   
CA: howw wwould i do it again?   
CC: I'm not going to be dead for long!   
CC: I've not fulfilled Gl'bgolyb's prop) (ecy!   
CA: wwill i be undead soon?   
CC: I don't know, glub!   
CC: I can't see t)(e future!   
CA: so howw are you so sure youll be not dead soon?   
CC: Because of t) (e prop) (ecy!   
CA: fuckin prophecy   
CA: nevver made any sense   
CA: no offense to your mom   
CC: It makes sense!   
CC: Well..   
CC: It will, w) (en everyt) (ing falls into place!   
CA: yep fallin   
CC: And t) (en we'll all know our purpose!   
CC: So ) (ow is being dead working for you?   
CA: not great   
CA: wwell its nice havvin my hivve back   
CC: You s) (ould be -EXCIT--ED!!   
CC: Just in case you wake up again!   
CA: wwhat wwake up?   
CC: Like, become alive!   
CA: i am so confused   
CA: i think maybe i should go into my hivve   
CA: paint some miniatures   
CC: Okay.   
CC: It mig) (t clear your ) (ead.   
CA: yes   
CA: glub   
CA: um so sorry i killed you   
CC: glub glub!   
CC: It's fine, since I'll be back anyway.   
CC: 38)   
CC: O) (, I've already forgiven you!   
CA: bye for noww   
CA: please come back soon   
CC: I don't know w) (en I will!   
CC: But, bye for now!   



	12. Eridan and Terezi

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins?   
GC: SUR3 >:]   
CA: i dont think you can sea my etchins ter   
CA: okay you can just dont lick them   
CA: i havve other thins for you to lick   
GC: >:[   
GC: C4NT 1 H4V3 M4YB3 JUST 4 L1TTL3 L1CK   
CA: i meant i havve tons of lolipops in my hivve   
CA: and popsicles   
CA: its totally legit   
GC: W3LL..   
GC: OK4Y 1 GU3SS   
CA: please step into my hivve   
GC: SUR3   
CA: its a shame you cannot see the levvel of detail on my statues and figurines   
GC: 1 DONT C4R3   
GC:WH3R3 4R3 TH3 LOL1POPS   
CA: in my pants   
CA: wwhich are ovver there by the sofa   
CA: cod im such a slob sometimes   
GC: >:O   
GC: 3R1D4N..   
GC: 1 DONT SM3LL P4NTS ON YOU   
CA: i said theyre ovver by the sofa   
CA: oh shit im not wwearin pants   
CA: howwd i forget that?   
GC: C4N YOU PUT SOM3 ON   
GC: NOW   
GC: >:[   
CA: okay   
CA: let me just go up to my room   
CA: my etchins are there anywway   
CA: and yes i do havve pants ovver there but they look terrible   
CA: ill just wwalk up the stairs here   
CA: you can smell my shapely ass if you wwant   
GC: 1M ST4Y1NG H3R3   
CA: good   
CA: i can surprise you   
GC: 1 W4S PROM1S3D LOL1POPS   
CA: ((minutes pass))   
CA: ((more minutes pass))   
CA: ((cursing is heard upstairs))   
CA: fuck howw do i get into these thins   
CA: i need to lose wweight   
CA: no more jelly beans for me   
GC: 3R1D4N   
CA: shit okay thats good enough   
GC: 4R3 YOU TH3R3   
CA: my zipper wwill be undone soon enough he he he   
GC: >:?   
CA: ((eri comes down wearing tight leather pants))   
CA: ((red tight leather pants))   
CA: yes   
GC: >:O   
GC: >:[   
CA: and im wwearin red pants   
CA: oh fuck   
CA: wwhat did i do wwrong   
GC: WH4T TH3 FUCK 4 M 1 SM3LL1NG   
CA: youre smellin moi   
CA: like wwhat you smell?   
GC: >:[   
CA: oh fuck i cant breath   
CA: maybe my gills   
GC: 4R3 YOU OK4Y   
CA: shit that only wworks underwwater stupid eri   
CA: aghhhh   
CA: take it off take it off take it off take it off   
GC: > :[   
GC: 3R1D4N 4R3 CR33P1NG M3 OUT   
GC: 4G41N   
CA: im havve no circulation in my legs   
CA: and noww im on the floor   
CA: fuckin smooth movve eri   
GC: TH1S C4NT 3ND W3LL   
CA: im not bein a creep for once i really need you to unbutton my pants   
GC: NO >:[   
GC: 1 R3FUS3 TO TOUCH YOU   
GC: YOU 4R3 PROB4BLY LY1NG   
CA: do you havve a knife?   
CA: i need you to cut me out of my pants   
GC: >:[   
CA: before i turn into tavv   
CA: heh tavv in tight leather pants as if   
GC: 1 DONT KNOW   
CA: i think im gonna pass out   
GC: 1 TH1NK TH3Y WOULD SU1T H1M   
CA: arhhhh   
GC: H3Y YOU ST1 LL H4V3NT G1V3N M3 MY LOL1POPS   
GC: >:[   
CA: only if he had blood like mine   
GC: WH3R3 4R3 TH3Y   
CA: howw did my legs get so swwollen?   
CA: i wwill givve you all the lolipops if you GET THESE PANTS OFF AN ME   
GC: YOU H4V3 B33N PUTT1NG ON 4 LOT OF W31GHT R3C3NTLY   
CA: so havve you since you stopped flarpin   
CA: beside these are from an other part of the empire wwith different sizes   
GC: D:<   
GC: NOT 4S MUCH 4S YOU F4TTY   
GC: OH Y34H   
GC: 1 WH3N TH3R3   
CA: you wwouldnt knoww about it   
CA: arhhhhh   
GC: SO DO YOU W4NT THOS3 P4NTS OFF >:]   
CA: im dead   
CA: (passes out but doesnt die)   
CA: (is unconscious)   
GC: ((takes off pants))   
CA: (cant enjoy it)   
GC: ((licks them))   
CA: ((slowly starts to wake up))   
GC: ((goes up upstairs to smell etchins))   
GC: ((and lick them))   
CA: i think im a eunch noww   
CA: ter?   
CA: oh fuck   
CA: (runs ups tairs)   
CA: um you arent embarassed by my etchins?   
GC: WHY >:?   
CA: i wwas hopin to get you drunk before you saww them   
CA: so maybe you wwould be horny and not offended   
GC: >:O   
GC: >:[   
CA: its erotica not porn   
GC: 1TS FUCK1NG PORN M4N >:/   
CA: havve you seen our art lately/   
CA: our art is fuckin porn   
GC: >:/   
CA: oh sorry ter   
CA: smelled our art lately?   
GC: WHY 4R3 TH3S3 SO D3T41L3D   
CA: because i knoww a lot of details   
CA: i didnt get them wwrong did i?   
GC: R34LLY >:O   
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4   
GC: Y3S   
GC: YOU D1D   
CA: evven the nude portrait of you?   
GC: JUST WH4T TH3 H3LL 1S GO1NG ON 1N TH3S3   
GC: 1 TH1NK SOM3BODY JUST 4SK3D FOR 4 DRUBB1NG >:[   
CA: a black drubbin?   
GC: ((starts to beat with cane))   
CA: owwww   
CA: can you beat me ovver here?   
CA: a little lowwer?   
GC: ( hits him in the bulge with the can so hard you dont even)   
CA: oh yeahhhowwww   
CA: okay noww im a eunch   
GC: YOUR W3LCOM3 >:]   
CA: and i didnt evven havve pants to soften the bloww   
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3   
GC: >:]   
GC: H3Y YOU 4SK3D   
CA: are wwe kismesis noww?   
GC: NOP3   
CA: so this is a casual thin?   
GC: >:[   
GC: NOP3   
CA: oh   
CA: just a one time thin?   
GC: >:[   
GC: ]:<   
GC: >:[   
GC: ]:<   
CA: considerin it?   
GC: YOU H4V3 GOT M3 SP1NN1NG 1N D1STR3SS   
GC: D1STR3SS   
CA: yes feelins are so hard   
CA: theyre so hard and no one understands   
GC: LOOK 4T M3 GO   
GC: TH3Y B3TT3R B3 TH3 ONLY TH1NG TH4TS H4RD   
CA: ....they arent   
GC: >:[   
GC: > :[   
GC: :[   
GC: MY 3Y3BROWS COULDNT T4K3 TH4T   
CA: i think ill just roll ovver here   
GC: TH3Y FL3W 4W4Y   
CA: no need to sea the little horsey   
CA: ill think of ugly pants noww   
GC: 1 H4V3 M4D3 M4NY R3G3T4BL3 D3C1S1ONS 1N MY L1F3   
GC: BUT COM1NG OV3R H3R3 W4S TH3 WORST   
CA: do you still talk to vvris?   
CA: can you pretend wwere kismesis?   
CA: and that the sex is great?   
CA: ill givve you a ton of treasure if you do   
GC: :O   
GC: HMMMM   
CA: i got tons of rubies   
GC: BUT 4R3 TH3Y WORTH P3OPL3 TH1NK1NG TH4T 1M 1N H4T3 W1TH YOU   
CA: you can just tell vvris   
CA: shell come right ovver and afterwwards shell forget about that gossip   
GC: W3LL 1 DO H4T3 SP1D3RTROLL...   
CA: but not that wway i hope?   
GC: 4ND TH1S WHOL3 3XP3R13NC3 H4S B33N T3RR1BL3   
GC: SO   
GC: Y3S   
GC: 1 W1LL B3 YOUR F4K3 H4T3   
CA: good   
CA: the jewwels are in the jewwel room   
GC: YOU H4V3 4 J3W3L ROOM >:?   
CA: of course i do   
CA: dont you?   
GC: ((walks to jewel room))   
GC: ((starts licking rubies))   
CA: (is still lying in respiteblock)   
CA: (without pants)   
GC: (Thats why she left))   
GC: 4R3 YOU OK4Y 1N TH3R3 >:?   
CA: ive got a ragin erection and im on my stomach   
CA: howw do you think i feel?   
GC: SO YOUR F1N3 TH3N   
GC: GOOD TO KNOW   
CA: could you leavve noww?   
CA: wwoww nevver thought id evver say that   
GC: NOP3   
GC: ((walks into another room))   
GC: :]   
CA: (gets up slowly)   
GC: H3Y 1S TH1S YOUR D14RY   
CA: no   
CA: its wwizard porn   
CA: i mean my journal   
GC: 1 TH1NK 1 W1LL JUST PUT TH4T B4CK TH3N   
CA: good   
CA: please please leavve   
GC: WHY >:?   
CA: im kind of embarassed here   
CA: and im not havvin sex   
GC: OH R1GHT   
GC: 1 SHOULD PROB4BLY T4K3 M3RCY ON YOU   
CA: thank you   
GC: GOODBY3 3R1D4N   
CA: remember wwhat i said   
GC: WH3N 1 TH1NK OF YOU 1 W1LL R3M3MB3R TH1S 4LW4YS   
CA: tell her i dont kiss like a fish anymore   
GC: SUR3 TH1NG >:]   
GC: BY3


	13. Eridan and another Tavros

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins?   
AT: i KNOW, tHEY ARE JUST YOUR DRAWINGS, sO OKAY,   
CA: wwhats wwrong wwith that   
TA: yOU THOUGHT YOU HAD ME FOOLED, hEHE,,   
CA: im not foolin here   
CA: youre actin strange   
AT: oH UH, sO YOU'RE SERIOUS,   
CA: did gamzee feed you some sopor slime?   
AT: sORRY,   
AT: uM, nOOO,   
AT: nOT THAT i, kNOW OF,   
CA: so are you interested in some fine art?   
CA: i havve pictures an fairies and shit   
CA: you dont knoww if you like fine art or not?   
AT: oH MY GOSH, rEALLY,   
CA: this convversation is so confusin   
AT: tHAT WOULD BE, dIVINE,   
CA: stupid timestream   
AT: i LIKE FINE ART,,   
AT: pLENTY,   
AT: mAYBE,   
AT: i'VE NEVER UH, rEALLY SEEN SOME BEFORE THOUGH,   
CA: good you wwont knoww the difference   
CA: i mean youll like it   
CA: step into my hivve   
AT: oKAY, iT'S NOT LIKE YOU'LL UH, nOT KNOW WHAT TO DO LATER, rIGHT,   
CA: please sit dowwn ovver on the awwesome sofa over there   
AT: uM, rIGHT,   
AT: oKAY i AM CURRENTLY SITTING ON THIS SOFA, wHICH IS KIND OF AWESOME, iN IT'S OWN LITTLE WAY,   
CA: are you comfortable?   
AT: nOT REALLY NO,   
AT: bUT THANKS FOR ASKING, i GUESS,   
CA: let me take your wwheelchair   
AT: uHH REALLY, i'D RATHER YOU NOT,   
AT: iF THAT'S OKAY,   
CA: oops its sliding awway dowwn to the basement   
CA: oh wwell   
AT: wOW THIS IS, sTARTING TO SCARE ME, aCTUALLY,   
AT: yOU DON'T UH, kEEP YOUR FINE ART DOWN HERE, dO YOU,   
CA: wwimp   
CA: no   
AT: tHEN WHY ARE WE DOWN HERE,   
CA: wwere not goin dowwn there moron   
AT: oH,   
AT: i AM SO HIGH, hEHE,   
CA: ((oops i thought tavros wasn't in the chair))   
AT: [[well now his chair is uhhh, in the basement so my bad haha!]]   
AT: wELL THAT RENDERS ME, uH MOTIONLESS,   
CA: soooo   
CA: youre high noww   
AT: yEAH i THINK SO, gAMZEE AND i MADE SOME BROWNIES BEFORE, aND AFTER i HAD A FEW, hE WAS NICE ENOUGH TO TELL ME HE PUT A SECRET INGREDIENT INSIDE,,   
CA: howw loww are your inhibitions right noww?   
AT: uMM, i THINK THEY ARE LOW, mAYBE,   
AT: i SHOULD CHECK,   
CA: yessssssss   
CA: oh shit 8?   
CA: i miss vvris   
AT: uH,   
AT: wOW,   
AT: oKAY i NEED TO LEAVE,   
CA: wwhy?   
CA: i wwant to be your friend?   
CA: scratch that ?, i do wwant to be your friend   
AT: nO, yOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL REALLY WEIRD,   
AT: sORRY TO SAY THAT,   
AT: wOW i REALLY DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY IT LIKE THAT, uGHH,   
CA: but im not wweird   
AT: i JUST DON'T WANT TO UH, tALK ABOUT HER,   
CA: skyhorse says im perfectly normal for a troll my age   
CA: wwe arent goin to talk about....her   
CA: fuck her   
CA: this is about us   
AT: uH,   
AT: rIGHT,   
AT: oKAY, wHATEVER YOU SAY,   
CA: (sits down next to tavros)   
AT: dO YOU THINK YOU COULD UH, h ELP ME GET MY FOUR WHEELED DEVICE BACK,   
CA: you really wwant to go dowwn to my dungeon noww?   
CA: i mean basement   
AT: *curls in his hands and looks shifty eyed*   
AT: mAYBE YOU COULD GET IT, aND COME BACK,   
CA: youre goin to wwreck up my stuff arent you   
AT: nO,   
AT: nEVER,   
CA: dont mess wwith that bust an troll merlin   
AT: bUST,   
AT: oH UH SURE,   
CA: (goes downstairs)   
CA: (doesn't turn on remote camera)   
CA: (certainly not)   
AT: *definitely feels watched*   
AT: *looks around and bites at his lower lip*   
CA: (waits for him to do something sexy)   
CA: (mentally nudges him toward fairy porn mags)   
CA: (gives up)   
CA: (goes back upstairs)   
AT: *smiles upon the other's arrival*   
AT: eRIDAN, uHH HEY,   
AT: *that bust was starting to creep him out*   
CA: fuck i forgot to get the damn wwheelchair   
CA: yes?   
AT: nOTHING, oH YOU DID, i GUESS i CAN WAIT AGAIN,   
CA: lets forget your stupid mobility devvice   
CA: you dont need to be mobile   
AT: uMM BUT,   
CA: but wwhat?   
CA: (sits down next to him)   
AT: i MEAN, wHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO,   
AT: tHAT DOESN'T REQUIRE MOVEMENT,   
CA: it doesnt require a lot of movement   
AT: *flinches*   
AT: wHAT DOESN'T,   
CA: but you could do some movvement because im not goin to do evverythin for fish sake   
AT: wAIT DO WHAT,   
AT: uMMM,   
CA: youre still high right   
AT: a LITTLE, i AM NOT SURE,   
CA: howws your memory?   
AT: aRE WE GONNA, pLAY A GAME OR SOMETHING,,   
CA: yes   
CA: a game   
CA: close your eyes   
AT: mEMORY, uH WOW, i DON'T KNOW,   
AT: uHH IF YOU SAY SO,   
AT: *closes them hesistantly*   
CA: (takes off clothes)   
CA: noww open them   
AT: *opens them*   
AT: i,   
AT: uHHH,   
AT: eRIDAN,   
AT: wHY,   
AT: *closes them again, face coppery as he tries to inch away*   
CA: im not sure either noww   
CA: i look terrible naked   
CA: umm   
AT: jUST, uHHH PLEASR STOP,   
AT: pLEASE*   
CA: ill just put on my clothes and wwe can pretend this didnt happen   
CA: fuck wwhy do i evven bother   
AT: wHY WERE THEY UH, EVEN OFF, yOU ARE REALLY CREEPING ME UH, oUT HERE,   
CA: i thought you might say i havve a beautiful body   
CA: and hold it against me   
AT: tHAT WAS LAME,   
AT: bUT OKAY,   
CA: oh okay thanks great   
CA: you wwouldnt be totally against havvin sex wwith me wwould you?   
AT: *giggles a little before stopping short*   
AT: uHHH WOAH,   
AT: oKAY UH, tHAT WOULD UM,   
AT: wE WOULD HAVE TO GO OUT FOR DINNER BEFORE THAT, uHHH,   
AT: wOW YOU'RE KIND OF UM, a FAST MOVER,   
CA: ill get you a wwhale   
CA: yes i am fast   
CA: vvris alwways said that   
AT: a WHOLE WHALE, rEALLY,   
AT: oKAY, uH,   
AT: i'LL MAYBE THINK ABOUT IT, bUT WOULDN'T THAT HURT, tHE WHA LE,   
CA: then you wwant a livve wwhale?   
AT: uM MAYBE YOU COULD FIND ONE, aND NAME IT AFTER US,   
AT: tHAT WOULD BE MORE, yOU KNOW ROMANTIC, iF YOU'RE INTO THAT,   
CA: hey that sounds incredibly easy   
CA: let me just go outside   
AT: uM ALRIGHT, i'LL WAIT ONCE AGAIN, i GUESS,   
CA: holy shit a wwhale ill name it erivvos   
CA: okay im back lets mate   
AT: uM,   
AT: aRE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS,   
AT: dO YOU EVEN KNOW UH, hOW WE DO IT,   
CA: of course i do   
CA: you put a bucket on your head   
AT: uM JUST CHECKING,   
CA: and then you throww up on the other person   
AT: bECAUSE i AM A LITTLE ILL-INFORMED,   
AT: aS WELL AS HIGH,   
CA: you havvent done it wwith gam?   
AT: tHAT SOUNDS, rEALLY UH, pLEASANT,   
AT: wHOA,   
CA: actually it does sound unpleasant   
AT: i MEAN i'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, bUT UHHH, hE PROBABLY WOULDN'T WANT TO,   
AT: i REALLY JUST SAID THAT, wOW,   
AT: aNYWAY, i UHHH, wOULD RATHER KISS SOMEBODY THEN THROW UP ON THEM,   
AT: bUT KISSING IS KIND OF,   
AT: oUT OF MY LEAGUE,   
CA: first you kiss then you throww up   
AT: tHAT SOUNDS ABOUT, rIGHT,   
AT: uHH RIGHT,   
CA: but it doesnt sound fun   
CA: or logical   
CA: i think i wwas misinformed   
AT: aND i WASN'T INFORMED AT ALL,   
AT: sO YEAH,   
AT: aNYWAY, i THINK IF YOU WANT, mAYBE YOU COULD GET MY, fOUR WHEELED DEVICE,   
CA: all right   
CA: this isnt goin wwell   
CA: and you look goofy up close   
AT: yEAH,   
AT: oH UH, sORRY,   
AT: *expression saddens*   
CA: *expression explodes*   
AT: wOW, wHAT A WAY TO FINISH THIS EVENING,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, that was a weird way to end that chat.  
> I'm still laughing at the image of Eridan pushing Tavros down the stairs. Eridan may be an asshole, but he isn't that big of an asshole. (looks at bodies and shattered remains) Still, he's not THAT big of an asshole.


	14. Eridan and another Sollux

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins?   
TA: nobody want2 to 2ee them.   
CA: wwell i dont wwant to sea you   
CA: i already got a sollux in carbonite   
TA: oh that'2 deliightful   
TA: ii2 iit a coffee table now?   
CA: i got it from jade me   
CA: hes the something of time   
CA: my sollux is a purple blood   
TA: iif II had an Eriidan iin carboniite iit'd be a coffee table for 2ure.   
CA: yeah that wwould be awesome   
TA: niice.   
TA: doe2 that mean my Eriidan would be a yellow blood?   
TA: 2uck2 for you.   
CA: better put only the best coffee table books on me   
CA: no moron   
CA: i said it wwas from jade eridans univverse   
TA: II'll get my Eriidan from yellow Eriidan uniiver2e then.   
TA: purple doe2n't match my 2ofa.   
TA: II mean   
TA: jade   
TA: whatever   
CA: hmm wwould that mean fef wwould havve neps blood or kars blood   
CA: an all yelloww color scheme?   
CA: yuck   
TA: black and yellow.   
CA: thats better   
TA: jade would be a niice splash of color though.   
TA: 2pla2h 2hit   
TA: my typiing quiirk ii2 2liippiing   
CA: ugh dont do any sea puns   
CA: or decorate that wway   
TA: II diidn't mean two.   
CA: id get kan to redecorate your place but i like her to much to put her through that   
CA: wwhere do you livve anywway?   
TA: under a briidge.   
TA: well 2hiit at my hiive.   
TA: where do you thiink II liive.   
CA: no glub i meant wwhat sort of hivve   
TA: communal hiive 2tem.   
CA: is that poor people talk for apartment?   
TA: oh well look at you   
TA: u2iing biig word2   
CA: yes i do   
CA: not as bad as kan though   
CA: so howw awwesome do you think id be to get laid on a carbonite statue an yourself?   
TA: what the fuck   
TA: 2eriiou2ly   
CA: hypothetically   
TA: really awe2ome iif whoever wa2 ratiing wa2 fuckiing 2iick.   
CA: like youvv e nevver thought an it   
CA: good   
CA: wwere makin progress here   
TA: II don't liike where thii2 progre22 ii2 takiing u2.   
CA: you need to relax   
CA: this is all hypothetical   
CA: its for science   
TA: okay takiing note2 here.   
CA: im the one takin notes   
TA: iif iit 2ound2 2iick and creepy iit'2 probably for 2ciience.   
CA: unless you wwant to ask the questions   
TA: oh but then II wouldn't be doiing iit for 2ciience would II   
TA: iit'd be a wa2te of good materiial   
CA: screww science baby   
CA: wwhat if i made you an honorary scientists?   
TA: II don't know iif II 2hould keep humoriing you   
TA: you ju2t 2aiid "2crew 2ciience"   
TA: II liike the way you doublethiink.   
CA: thanks   
CA: buzz off moron   
CA: wwas that good?   
TA: II gue22.   
TA: put more emotiion iinto iit.   
CA: i can be vvery mood swwin-y   
CA: no i wwont play to your stupid number fetish   
CA: twwo twwo   
CA: twwo twwo   
TA: 2hould II pretend thii2 turn2 me on   
CA: yes   
CA: wwhat turns you on?   
TA: because iit fuckiing doe2   
CA: dont say browwn showwers i wwont do that   
CA: oh cod   
TA: oh II am a pretty prediictable guy.   
CA: it didnt predict that   
CA: my predicting Zune   
CA: didn't predict that   
TA: well then II gue22 II'm a box of 2urprii2e2   
CA: but noww youre goin to change your mind and go all frigid on me   
TA: no way   
TA: you mean II wa2n't all thii2 tiime.   
CA: i thought you wwere gettin off on me goin twwo twwo twwo twwo   
TA: what iif II wa2n't.   
TA: liike II 2aiid, a box of 2urprii2e2   
CA: id be sad but not surprised   
CA: fuck id rather deal with purple you   
CA: he may havve mpd but at least he doesnt talk anymore   
TA: tell hiim II 2aiid hello   
CA: he cant hear but okay


	15. Eridan and Sollux shave a wizard

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins?

TA: there ii2 nothiing ii would liike two 2ee le22.

CA: oh come on

CA: wwhat are you doin noww thats so important

TA: not lookiing at your 2tupiid etchiings.

CA: wwell you cant see my etchins

TA: oh no, how could you do that two me?

TA: anythiing but that.

CA: yes i am cruel

CA: vvha ha ha

CA: *snort*

TA: eheheheheh, yeah, totally.

CA: i brin beauty to this fuckin wworld but keep it from lowwbloods like you

CA: you deservve none of it

TA: ii'm cru2shed.

CA: crushed howw?

CA: red or black?

TA: god damn iit eriidan, that'2 not what ii meant.

CA: oh

CA: wwhy do you havve to be so mean to me?

CA: i wwas reachin out to you

TA: ii gue22 ii ju2t don't appreciiate the time2 you've triied two kiill me over ff a2 much a2 you'd thiink.

CA: thats a sign of respect

CA: you actually threaten me

TA: ii2 gettiing your a22 kiicked by a lowblood a 2ign of re2pect two?

CA: if i didnt think you had a chance wwith her id let her keep you as a pet

CA: technically that wwas a draww

TA: eheheh, yeah riight.

TA: ii totally kiicked your a22.

CA: you dont knoww the rules of duelin

TA: ii2 cryiing 2uppo2ed two be a part of dueliing?

TA: well?

CA: my eyes hurt

CA: your blasts wwere too gaudy

TA: whatever you 2ay, eriidan.

CA: sol wwere a lot alike

CA: wwe both havve mood swins

CA: wwe both lovve fef

CA: actually thats all wwe havve in common

TA: al2o my mood 2wiing2 are becaus2e of my mutant braiin whiile you're ju2t a whiiny biitch.

CA: yes you havve a mental illness wwhile i chose to be dramatic

TA: and that choiice ha2 worked out 2o well for you, riight?

TA: look at all the friiends you have.

CA: trolls dont need "friends"

CA: wwhen im admiral people wwont givve a fuck howw many "friends" i havve

TA: admiiral of what, the twelve of u2 that are left?

CA: i can order neww friends in betwween rounds an brandy

TA: none of whiich have any re2pect for you.

CA: i mean hypothetical admiral

CA: and there is some hope left

CA: i should knoww im the fuckin prince of hope

CA: and its eleven you moron

TA: ii2 there any hope left of fiindiing 2omeone who'2 wiilliing two put up wiith you?

CA: there is an entire univverse out there

CA: if not the humans perhaps an other alien species

TA: riight, keep on tryiing! i'm 2ure we'll fiind a race of aliien2 that enjoy talkiing two giiant douchbag2 2omeday.

CA: there has to be someone out there for me

CA: two someones out there

TA: hopefully they are a2 far away from me a2 po22iible.

CA: me too

CA: maybe theres a planet of fef and vvris

CA: wwe did create that universe

TA: wouldn't that mean you'd get rejected by an entiire planet?

CA: wwhy wwould i create a planet like that?

TA: oh, 2o iit'2 a planet of feferii2 and vrii2ka2 who have no 2tandard2.

CA: yes

CA: no

TA: hahahaha.

CA: vvris didnt totally reject me

TA: but 2eriiou2ly, how would a planet full of people who'd reject you be different from alterniia?

CA: wwe wwere kismesis

TA: oh riight, 2he broke up wiith you.

CA: i didnt create alternia

CA: after i gavve her the best day of her sad little life

CA: just because i started cryin afterwwards

TA: wa2 that day the day 2he broke up wiith you?

CA: yes it wwas

CA: her loss

TA: ye2, ii am 2ure 2he'll realiize her miistake eventually.

CA: she realized it after she tried to get it on wwith tavv

CA: really tavv?

CA: if i cry after sex wwhat the hell does tavv do?

TA: cry before 2ex?

CA: ha ha ha

CA: *snort*

TA: al2o thank2 for telliing me about how you cry after 2ex.

CA: i only told you that because I HAD SEX

CA: BOO YAH

CA: you died a vvirgin

TA: be2t fiifteen 2econd2 of your liife, riight?

CA: fuck you

CA: it wwas awwesome

CA: evven vvris wwould admit it

CA: thats the wway my life is

TA: 2o 2hould ii a2k her?

CA: start off great but then ruin thins

CA: sure

TA: okay no ii don't actually want two know any more detaiil2 about you and vrii2ka haviing 2ex.

TA: ii'll ju2t take your word for iit.

CA: thank you

CA: wwould you like to find out in person?

TA: ii 2eriiously ju2t threw up iin my mouth a liittle.

CA: sorry im not into that

TA: eriidan, why the fuck would you thiink ii'd liike to fiind out what 2ex wiith you ii2 liike?

CA: i havve to ask evveryone

TA: ii2 iit liike rejectiion biingo or 2omethiing?

CA: i think youre an ugly no chined loser but i havve to ask

CA: sometimes you wwin bingo

TA: i bet you wiin rejectiion biingo all the tiime.

CA: this is a different type of bingo

CA: its not bingo at all

CA: its like cyberian spinning cylinder of death

CA: but instead of death i get laid

TA: and what doe2 thii2 have two do wiith a2kiing me two have 2ex wiith you?

CA: maybe youre the filled chamber

CA: wwoww that sound dirty

TA: can we ju2t, 2top talkiing about you haviing 2ex?

CA: wwhat do you wwant to talk aboat?

CA: you havvin sex?

TA: ii don't need you gettiing off on the iidea of me haviing 2ex.

CA: no im tryin to get off on the idea of fef havvin sex

TA: thank you for 2hariing.

TA: that'2 2omethiing ii needed two hear.

CA: im sharin a lot here and you arent sharin anythin

CA: some friend you are

TA: 2o we're friiends now?

CA: of course wwe are

CA: wwe wwere on the same team

TA: and the tryiing two kiill me over ff wa2 a 2ign of re2pect, riight?

CA: yes

CA: it wwas a duel

CA: i could havve just sniped you off

TA: fiine, ii gue22 iif beiing friiend2 mean2 you'll 2top tryiing two get me two be your kii2me2ii2, then we can be friiends.

CA: wwho said anythin about stoppin?

CA: friends and enemies are the same wword

TA: yeah, but ii don't want two be romantiic enemiie2 wiith you,

CA: did i say anythin about romance

CA: i just mean wwhen i try to kill you ill be a gentletroll about it

TA: tz told me about how you triied two get her two be an au2piistiice for u2.

TA: why would you want an au2piistiice iif you diidn't want me two be your kii2me2ii2?

CA: kismesis is different from auspisticized couples

CA: didnt kar teach you anythin?

TA: okay, ii worded that wrong, ii meant you apparently had 2ome caliigiinou2 feeliing2 for me, and you needed an au2piistiice two prevent u2 from becomiing kii2me2ii2.

TA: but okay, iif ii'm wrong then we can be friiend2, ii gue22.

CA: maybe i thought you had black feelins towwards me

TA: well, ii don't.

CA: wwhy?

TA: ii ju2t hate you platoniically.

CA: but wwwwhy?

CA: i havve a strong chin

TA: ii2 that the only rea2on you can thiink of for why ii'd want you a2 my kii2me2ii2?

CA: i think you underestimate howw strong my chin is

TA: okay, and ii'm 2uppo2ed two hate you becau2e of your chiin?

CA: youre suppose to hate me non-platonically cause im hot

CA: thats wwhy i hated vvris

TA: eheheheh, vrii2ka ii2 hot?

TA: and why do you care iif ii hate you or not? don't you want two be friiend2?

CA: i wwant to knoww wwhat im doin wwrong

TA: the problem ii2 that you're ju2t kiind of annoyiing, iin2tead of truly de2piicable.

TA: al2o ii get the feeliing you don't really hate the people you a2k two be your kii2me2ii2 enough.

TA: you're 2o ob2e22ed wiith fiilliing your quadrant2 you'll a2k anyone you feel a liitle hate or piity for.

CA: wwhat could i do thats really despicable

CA: kar in the memos says i do somethin really bad in the future

TA: well, maybe that'2 iit. ii don't know.

CA: arent you a psychic?

TA: yeah, but ii 2tiill don't know what the horriible thiing you do ii2.

CA: guess ill find out

TA: ii gue22 2o.

TA: 2o diid you only want two be friiend2 2o ii'll tell you about 2ex wiith ff or were you 2eriiou2?

CA: look lets drop the sex thin

TA: fiine by me.

CA: howw about them wwizards?

TA: what about them?

TA: they're fake.

CA: do you like them?

TA: ii don't really care about wiizard2.

TA: ii gue22 they're alriight?

CA: wwizards are awwesome

TA: okay.

CA: they can shoot magic beams evverywwhere and fly

TA: ii gue22 iif they were real they'd be pretty awe2ome.

TA: waiit ii2n't one of the human2 2upposed two be a wizard or 2omethiing?

CA: wwhich one?

TA: the one kanaya troll2.

CA: tt?

CA: the one wwho bleww up my computer?

TA: yeah her.

TA: al2o you do realiize your de2criiptiion of wiizard2 de2criibed me, riight?

CA: oh fuck

CA: you mean all this time

CA: oh glub

TA: ii2 2omethiing wrong?

CA: i lovve wwizards

CA: i wwanted to be a wwizard

CA: youre a wwizard soli

TA: oh god damn iit.

TA: no, ii ju2t have p2ychiic power2.

TA: are p2ychiic power2 magiic?

CA: might as wwell be magic

TA: awe2ome, 2o now ii'm a wiizard.

CA: yes

CA: all this time ivve been masturbatin to you in a dress

TA: how doe2 that make you feel?

CA: horny

TA: oh my god, what the fuck eriidan?

CA: thats howw i alwways feel

TA: why

TA: why would you tell me that?

CA: you asked

TA: friiend2hiip over.

CA: glub

 


	16. Eridan and Terezi give chase

GC: HOLY SH1T G1V3 M3 SOM3TH1NG R3D

CA: i havve red etchins

CA: and red wwine

GC: G1V3 M3 TH3 F1RST ON3 1 DONT L1K3 W1N3

CA: and a big red <3

GC: W1N3 1S FOR SUP3R V1LL41NS >:[

CA: you dont drink...wwine?

CA: yes like me

CA: vwha ha ha ha *snort*

GC: NO 3R1D4N WH1N1NG 1S FOR YOU

CA: fuck you

CA: come into my hivve

GC: DO YOU H4V3 MOR3 R3D TH1NGS 1N TH3R3

CA: yes wwhatevv

CA: just come in

GC: TH3N Y3S 1M COM1NG SO 1N >:]

GC: *GC STORMS 1N W1TH 4 M1GHTY DR4GON RO4R*

CA: do you like my wwizard statues?

GC: WHY 4R3 TH3Y N4K3D

CA: to showw their mighty stavves

CA: and their red crystal balls

GC: 1 H4V3 R34CH3D 4 MOR4L 1MP4SS3

GC: 1 4M NOT PR3P4R3D TO L1CK D3L1COUS R3D W1Z4RD B4LLS

CA: yes its hard

CA: its hard resistin temptation

CA: so try not to

GC: NO TH4NKS 1LL P4SS DO YOU H4V3 4NYTH1NG L3SS D3V1OUS BUT 4LSO R3D TH4T 1S WH4T 1 4M SHOOT1NG FOR H3R3

CA: no only devvious thins

CA: does that excite you?

GC: 1 M1GHT THROW UP ON ON3 OF YOUR W1Z4RD ST4TU3S

GC: DO YOU KNOW HOW TO G3T VOM1T ST41NS OFF OF PORC3L41N

CA: yes

GC: 1TS 4 SP3C14L TR1CK 1 L34RN3D 1N TROLLC4BO >:]

CA: tell me more about this trip to trollcabo

GC: W3LL 1 W4S TH3R3 S3LL1NG TROLLSCOUT COOK13S

GC: TH3 N3XT TH1NG 1 KNOW 1M L41D OUT ON TH3 B34CH COV3R3D 1N ST4RF1SH 4ND 1 H4D TO G3T MY STOM4CH PUMP3D

CA: wwere you wwearin a cute little outfit?

CA: starfish reely?

CA: wwhere wwere the starfish on your body?

GC: 1 W4S W34R1NG 4 TROLLSCOUT UN1FORM 3R1D4N GROSS

GC: 4ND TH3Y W3R3 4LL OV3R

GC: 1 ST1LL K33P SOM3 OF TH3M 4S P3TS

CA: you still had it on after all that?

CA: oh wwoww

GC: TH3YR3 4LL N4M3D 4FT3R SH4D3S OF R3D

CA: are they red?

GC: NO DUMB4SS TH3YR3 P1NK TH3YR3 ST4RF1SH

CA: pink starfish

CA: that sounds dirty

GC: 3R1D4N DONT M4K3 M3 DRUB TH4T P3RV3RT R1GHT OUT OF YOU

CA: did fef come and givve you mouth to mouth?

GC: NO 1 JUST H4CK3D 4ND COUGH3D UP S34 W4T3R FOR HOURS

CA: oh

CA: wwhy arent your stories more sexy?

GC: TH3R3 1S NOTH1NG S3XY 4BOUT G3TT1NG DRUNK DUR1NG TROLLSCOUT T1M3, 3R1D4N

GC: 1T H4UNTS M3 TO TH1S D4Y

CA: do you havve any sexy stories?

GC: DO YOU W4NT TO H34R 4BOUT TH3 T1M3 1 H4D TO R3MOV3 K4RK4TS NUBS FROM 4 HOL3 1N TH3 W4LL >:?

CA: that doesnt sound sexy

GC: 1T W4S SO S3XY OBV1OUSLY YOU JUST C4NT 4PPR3C14T3 TH3 SUBTL3T13S OF NUBBL1N3SS

GC: 4R3 YOU PR3P4R3D TO T1CKL3 NUBS 3R1D4N

CA: right noww

CA: yes

CA: wwhat does that mean?

GC: W3LL TOO B4D 1 DONT H4V3 4NY SP4R3 NUBS ON H4ND WH3R3 1S YOUR NUB LOCK3R

CA: wwhy wwould i havve a nub locker?

GC: >:O WH4T SORT OF 4SSHOL3 DO3SNT H4V3 4 NUB LOCK3R

CA: i dont evven knoww wwhat that is

GC: DO YOU 4T L34ST H4V3 4 BUMP C4B1N3T

CA: wwell of course i havve a nub locker

CA: i wwas just jokin

CA: umm its dowwn stairs

GC: T4K3 M3 TO YOUR NUB LOCK3R

GC: V3RY GOOD 1 N33D TO 1NSP3CT TH3S3 NUBS OF YOURS

CA: just go dowwn to the basement

CA: ill just go get somethin

CA: kar halp!

CA: wwhats a nub locker?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DOUCHESUCKLER?

CG: WHEN CAN I COME OUT OF THE BASEMENT?

CG: WAIT, IS SOMEONE UP THERE?

GC: K4RK4T >:?

CG: SHIT

GC: 3R1D4N WH4T 1S K4RK4T DO1NG 1N YOUR B4S3M3NT

CA: howw else wwas i supposed to keep the advvice train goin?

CA: noww tell me wwhat the swimmin fuck a nub locker is suppose to be????

GC: HOLD YOUR HORS3S DON JU4N

GC: DO YOU H4V3 4 P3RM1T TO K33P P3OPL3 1N YOUR B4S3M3NT

CA: i can get a permit for that?

GC: YOU N33D 4 P3RM1T OTH3RW1S3 1TS 1LL3G4L

CA: wwhere do i get a permit?

CA: cause i havve so many people i wwant to keep dowwn here

GC: 4T TH3 P3RM1T OFF1C3 WH3R3 3LS3

GC: *GC HOPS B3H1ND C4S COUCH*

GC: W3LCOM3 TO TH3 P3RM1T OFF1C3 HOW C4N 1 H3LP YOU >:]

CA: id like a permit to keep kar and fef and vvris and maybe nep in my basement

GC: V3RY W3LL JUST F1LL OUT TH1S FORM

GC: 1LL N33D YOUR N4M3 4DDR3SS BLOOD TYP3 4ND SOC14L S3CUR1TY NUMB3R

CA: eridan ampora

CA: 300 degrees

CA: social security number trolls dont have social security you just get culled

GC: 300 D3GR33S 1S N31TH3R 4N 4DDR3SS NOR BLOOD TYP3 BUT YOU LOOK L3G1T H3R3S YOUR P3RM1T

GC: LOOKS L1K3 K4RK4TS GO1NG TO G3T

GC: S-NUB-B3D

GC: B>:]

GC: >:] B

GC: SH1T 1 DROPP3D MY GL4SS3S

CA: *takes glasses*

CA: ha ha ha i am so fashionable noww

GC: 3R1D4N TH4TS TH3FT

GC: 1M T4K1NG YOU DOWNTOWN

CA: try and take me

GC: *GC T4CKL3S C4 TO TH3 GROUND W1TH H3R 1LLUSTROUS DR4GON T4LONS*

CA: you wwouldnt punch a guy wwearin glasses wwould you?

CA: also thats my wwand

GC: NO 1D T4K3 MY GL4SS3S OFF F1RST TH3N PUNCH H1M

CA: one of the smaller ones

CA: could you wwriggle a little ovver this wway?

GC: WHY

GC: TH1S LOOKS MOR3 L1K3 4 TUB3 OF CH4PST1CK TH4N 4 W4ND

CA: red chapstick?

GC: N1C3 TRY CR1M1N4L

CA: yes punish me

GC: 1 KNOW TH3Y D1SCONT1NU3D R3D CH4PST1CK B3C4US3 1 CR13D FOR D4YS

CA: punish me hard

CA: is purple chapstick fine as well?

GC: W3LL 4LR1GHT 1F YOU W4NT M3 TO

GC: *GC T4K3S 4W4Y 4LL C4S P3RM1TS*

CA: noooooooooo

GC: NOW YOU 4R3 NOT P3RM1TT3D TO DO 4NYTH1NG 1 HOP3 YOUV3 L34RN3D YOUR L3SSON

CA: not my letter from hogwwarts

GC: ON3 L3SS HUFFL3PUFF 1N CL4SS TH1S Y34R

CA: im not hufflepuff

CA: that wwas a mistake

CA: im totally syltherian

GC: TH3 SORT1NG H4T C4N S33 1NTO YOUR SOUL 3R1D4N DONT 4RGU3 W1TH TH3 SORT1NG H4T

GC: 4ND YOUR SOUL 1S P41NT3D Y3LLOW 4ND BL4CK

CA: nooo not yelloww

CA: i hate yelloww

GC: TH1S 1S YOUR PUN1SHM3NT FOR TH3 FOLLOW1NG OFF3NS3S:

GC: B31NG 4 P3RV3RT, K1DN4PP1NG P3OPL3 W1THOUT 4 P3RM1T, QU3ST1ON1NG TH3 SORT1NG H4T, 4ND NOT H4V1NG 3NOUGH R3D FURN1TUR3

GC: TH3 L4W 4LW4YS W1NS 4MPOR4

CA: wwhats my punishment?

CA: is it sexy?

GC: 1M T4K1NG TH3 W1Z4RD ST4TU3 W1TH M3

GC: *GC G3TS UP 4ND WH4PS C4 W1TH H3R POW3RFUL DR4GON T41L 4S 4 W4RN1NG*

CA: ha i havve more stautes than that

CA: you cant take them all

GC: 1 C4N ONLY C4RRY ON3

GC: WH4T TH3 H3LL 4M 1 GO1NG TO DO W1TH 4LL THOS3 W1Z4RD ST4TU3S 4NYW4Y

CA: i manage to find somethin to do wwith them

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I never found out what a nub locker was!
> 
> Other person was Karkat. I didn't expect him to end up in my basement.


	17. Eridan and baby Eridan - DELETED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by my fanfic Penalty Game, I thought of a new opening line for Eridan: oh my cod i horribly traumatized you
> 
> Then I met baby Eridan. So, warning for implied child sexual abuse.

I decided this chapter was too creepy so I deleted it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The person doing baby Eridan said I was the nicest Eridan. How fucked up are the other RPers?


	18. Eridan, Jade, and Bec

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the opener from the last log, but this time I got to the second part.

CA: oh my cod i horribly traumatized you

CA: wwanna fuck?

GG: >:(

CA: yeah i guess givvin a guy like me access to someones timeline wwas a bad idea

CA: i blame sol

GG: how could you do that!!!!!!!

CA: blue balls

CA: could you get me out of your dog?

GG: no >:(

GG: you are an awful person

CA: but you wwouldnt let me die wwould you?

CA: human?

CA: human????

GG: >:)

CA: i should havve knoww

CA: you are the most trolllike human

CA: youvve killed before

GG: heheheheh

GG: how did you know?? :)

CA: you got a wwhole island to yourself

CA: you probably killed a bunch an people to get it

GG: o\\_\\_o

GG: you have really weird logic mister fish

GG: just

GG: the strangest

CA: on alternia you havve to fight for evverythin

GG: really???

CA: yes reely i livved there

GG: thats sad...

CA: wwhy are you humans so skeptical?

CA: wwhats sadder is im goin to die from fuckin a hellbeast

GG: you know im not going to leave you in there right????

CA: howw wwill you get me out?

GG: bec let him out!!!!

CA: arhhhhhuuuuuhhhhhh

CA: jt!

CA: *cough cough*

CA: i feel dirty

CA: and not in a good wway

GG: are you okay mister creepy fish guy ????

CA: no

CA: ill nevver be okay

GG: well its your own silly fault!!!!

CA: societies to blame

GG: no you >:(

CA: the names eridan ampora by the wway

CA: no not me

GG: no wonder you have no friends and no one likes you

CA: thats mean

CA: wwe just met

GG: but very true

CA: i havve elevven friends

GG: you have made my face so angry

CA: howw many do you havve?

GG: just look at it

GG: >:(

GG: four!!!!! :)

 

  


	19. Eridan and Ace Dick

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins?

AD: *punches snout to establish superiority*

AD: no

CA: owwww

CA: we kismesis noww?

AD: im on a case, you better help me out kid

AD: what the shit is that

CA: it means wwe lovve to hate each other

CA: its a troll thing

AD: the hell is wrong with you

CA: you arent a troll are you

AD: no

AD: do you know who i am

AD: the greatest ace around

AD: they call me ace dick

CA: not impressed

AD: im better than any problem douche around

CA: ivve met the heir apparent of the alternian empire

CA: wwere in a close relationship you wwouldnt knoww about

AD: do you tap her ass nightly?

CA: i tried to but

CA: no no youre obscene

CA: you should be culled for that

AD: oh i see

AD: yer just aint good with the ladies

AD: well heres a tip from your pal ace dick

AD: never fails

AD: punch em in the nose

AD: kid you aint tryin hard enough

CA: i only punch kismesis in the nose

AD: punch harder

AD: there better be blood when you punch someone

CA: i got vvris wwithout punchin

AD: she must be a whore then

AD: whores are easy

AD: now those real classy dames

AD: you gotta punch em straight in the sniffer

CA: do you havve all your quadrants filled?

CA: or wwhatevver your species does

AD: i have no fuckin idea what that means

AD: do you mean i have a dame by my side?

CA: yes

AD: of course not

AD: when youre as hard boiled as me you have no time for relations

CA: howw much time do you need for relations

AD: all the time you have

AD: dames are needy creatures

CA: no time for paintin minitures?

AD: what now

CA: i havve little figurines of wwarriors and wwizards that i paint

CA: its a fine hobby

AD: sounds like youre a real nerd

AD: how old are you son

CA: 6 solar swweeps

AD: 6?!

CA: or somethin bigger in human years

CA: like 25?

CA: im an adolescent

AD: back when i was your age

AD: they would flush our heads in toilets for playin with dolls

AD: do you want to be a man

CA: good thing i dont livve in your barbaric time

AD: because im reading you as some kid who still poops hard in his baby diapers

AD: put away the dolls

AD: increase your vim

AD: dont give a fuck about imagination

AD: and the dames will be all over you

AD: its a dog eat dog world, kid

CA: wwhat about the non-dames

CA: the males

CA: wwill i get them too?

AD: likin dudes

AD: thats sick

AD: thats how you get lynched

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How homophobic for a guy whose dream girl is himself in a wig! (I hope the RPer was just being in character)


	20. Eridan and march!Eridan

m!CA: glub

CA: hello me

CA: noww neither of us will be vvirgins

m!CA: yes because wwe havve each other

m!CA: and noww wwe are forevver together

CA: ewww too needy

CA: wwe just met dude

m!CA: but

m!CA: do you wwant to tell me that i run around in this skimpy crap for nothin

CA: that is turnin me on

CA: but thats not hard

CA: unlike other things

CA: do we say things or not?

m!CA: thins things wwhatevver

m!CA: but wwhat do you mean by other things

CA: its not hard to get my bone hard and my nook wwet

CA: you should knoww

m!CA: i am fully awware of that

CA: youre skirt really should be longer

CA: but not that much longer sadly

m!CA: i like to wwear this skirt wwhen its so fuckin short

m!CA: if you havve any problem you should deal wwith it

CA: free ballin isnt a good look for me

m!CA: wwhatevver i do wwhat i wwant

m!CA: and on this note im goin to be beautiful forevver

CA: are you older than me?

m!CA: wwhat

m!CA: howw the shell should i knoww that

m!CA: im six swweeps old

CA: cause i dont remember takin any immortality potion

CA: so am i

CA: wwhat month are you from?

m!CA: march a course

CA: march is the cruelest month

CA: comin like a tiger

m!CA: reely

CA: its a poem stupid

CA: wwonder howw a tiger comes

CA: heh maybe i should ask nep

m!CA: shore


	21. Eridan, Terezi, and trainwreck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was everyone but Terezi.

CA: wwould you care for some brandy?

GC: TH4T SOUNDS LOV3LY

CA: step dowwn into my cellar

GC: 4ND SUDD3NLY TH1S SOUNDS L1K3 4 R4P3 STORY >:?

CA: no it doesnt

CA: ivve read plenty of rape stories and none of them begin this wway you illiterate moron

GC: 4ND 1V3 R34D 4 TON OF MURD3R STOR13S >:] WH1CH TH1S 4LSO SM3LLS L1K3

GC: 4ND 1 WOULDNT PUT TH4T P4ST YOU

GC: H3H3H

CA: then wwhy did you enter my hivve?

CA: you wwere curious

CA: too curious

GC: HMM.. M4YB3 >:D

GC: F1N3 1LL COM3 TO YOUR W31RD C3LL4R!

CA: i kneww my criminal life enticed you

CA: mind that statue of the wwizard wwith the wwicked swword

CA: oh god this fuckin place is dusty

GC: 4ND WH4T 3X4CTLY DO3S YOUR CR1M1N4L L1F3 CONS1ST OF >:?

GC: H3H3H 1S SM3LLS OLD 4ND- 4CHOOO!

CA: fuckin cleanin drone must havve broken dowwn again

CA: id givve it to equius to fix but itd just get all blooed

CA: yes i do tons of criminal thins but most an them are too erotic for your delicate ears

GC: G1V3 1T TO THOLLUX >:]

GC: 3ROT1C? H4H4H4H4H4H!!

CA: ivve already givvin enough to sollux thank you vvery much

CA: i havve stolen too many blood-pumpin organs

GC: OH R34LLY?? >:0

GC: G1V3N 3NOUGH TO THOLLUX.. H3H3H3H3H3H >:]

GC: WH3R3 4R3 W3 GO1NG?

CA: dowwn to get a cask an amontillado

CA: you comin?

GC: Y34H! J3GUS 1TS JUST H4RD TO SM3LL DOWN H3R3 >:]

CA: grab onto me and i wwill lead you my vvaguely noble lady

GC: H3H3H3H.. *grabs onto his sleeve* L34D TH3 W4Y MR. 4MPOR4! >:D

CA: yes

CA: oops mind that

CA: hey look i also keep my tentacle art dowwn here isnt it awwesome?

GC: 1TS SOM3TH1NG 4LR1GHT

CA: are you ovverwwhelmed by the splendor of my majestic tentaoctopi in a constant struggle wwith their nemesis the big eyed girl?

GC: SUR3, 1F TH4TS WH4T YOU W4NN4 C4LL 1T >:]

GC: 4R3 4LL H1GHBLOODS SO 1NTO TH3 4RTS >:?

CA: yes

CA: you should see fefs collection

CA: no you shouldnt its actually really really creepy

CA: my soul is haunted by the chances glimpses i gavve those accursed pieces on that bright morn

CA: wwhy wwere they havvin a tea party? wwhy?

GC: H3H3H3H3H! F3F H4S MUCH N1C3R T4ST3 TH4N YOU >:]

GC: ONLY 1F 1T W3R3 M3 TH3 T3NT4CL3 B34STS WOULD B3 1N 4 V1C1OUS COURT SC3N3!

CA: yes an underwwater court

CA: there should be a showw like that underwwater court

CA: cant be wworse than day court

GC: 1 LOV3 D4Y COURT! >:D 1T 1S TH3 C4US3 OF M4NY OF MY SL33PL3SS MORN1NGS H3H3H

CA: the tv showw or do you actually wwatch public access?

GC: NORM4LLY TV.. BUT 1 SN34K 1NTO TH3 COURTS 3V3RY NOW 4ND TH3N >:]

GC: 1 4M TH3 SN34K1NG M4ST3R

CA: there are courts on the homeland?

CA: i thought they wwere all up in space

CA: are you really sneakin in or do you just wwander into a shuttle noww and then?

GC: OF COURS3 TH3R3 4R3 LOC4L COURTS >:D YOU SHOULD COM3 SOM3T1M3

CA: then wwhy havvent i been arrested yet?

CA: wwho does a guy havve to genocide to get a citation around here?

GC: S4DLY TH3Y MOSTLY 4RR3ST LOWBLOODS

CA: cool

CA: i do my part by shootin any lowwblood i see wearin jewelry

GC: 1 W1LL N3V3R UND3RST4ND TH4T WHOL3 M3SS >:] WH4T 1S 1T YOU H4T3 4BOUT TH3M??

CA: i lovve jewelry and you lowwbloods arent allowwed to wwear it

GC: 1M NOT 4 LOWBLOOD >:] *licks his scarf* W31RDO H1PST3R, H3H3H

CA: yes you are

CA: oh wwoww thats weirdly erotic but incredibly annoyin

GC: H3H3 TH3 ONLY GOOD TH1NG 4BOUT H1GHBLOODS 1S TH4T YOU SM3LL 4ND T4ST3 D3L1C1OUS!

GC: L1K3 GR4P3 W1N3 4ND BLU3B3RR13S >:]

CA: yes i havve some grape wwine

CA: just let me get my spigot out

CA: oh shit my zippers stuck

GC: 1 KN3W YOUD PULL SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH1S H3H3H!

GC: N33D 1 L1TTL3 H3LP?

CA: yes

CA: no

CA: i cant pull anythin thats the point

GC: 4WWW DONT G3T D1SCOUR4G3D NOW >:/ YOU W3R3 DO1NG PR3TTY GOOD

CA: but i fail zipper

CA: fuck noww my scarfs caught in there

GC: OH FORG3T YOUR STUP1D Z1PP3R >:0

GC: L3TS H4V3 SOM3 DR1NKS 4ND CH4T L1K3 C1V1L1Z3D TROLLS! >:]

GC: 1 W4S H4V1NG 4 N1C3 T1M3 4NYW4Y

CA: yes lets do that

CA: here is my cask of brandy?

CA: sherry?

CA: fuck i forget

CA: i got these cool big glasses for them

GC: SH3RRY 1S MY F4VOR1T3 >:D N1C3 4ND SW33T

CA: let me pour you and i a glass

CA: heres to us

CA: slurp

CA: speeeeewwwwww

GC: H3R3S TO US >:] *sippp*

GC: TWO D3V1OUSLY S3XY 4LMOST-H1GHBLOODS! H3H3

CA: this stuff is disgustin

CA: and i am a highblood thank you vvery much

GC: 1TS D3L1C1OUS WH4T 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT!

GC: H1C.

CA: it tastes like someone fucked an oak tree

CA: fuck trees i climb buoys

GC: YOU SM3LL L1K3 TWO W31RD 34RTH FRU1TS P41L3D 4ND L3FT TH31R FLU1DS M1X3D 4LL OV3R TH3 PL4C3

CA: thanks alot i givve you fin spirits and you insult me

GC: WHO S41D TH4T W4S 4 B4D TH1NG? >;]

GC: 1 H4PP3N TO LOV3 TH3 SM3LL

CA: wwant to smell it more?

CA: yes i havve a cot dowwn here wwe could do it right noww

GC: *downs the rest of her glass before getting up and going over to sit on his lap* WHO N33DS 4 COT? >:]

CA: oh good ill go get sol

CA: i kneww you had an ashen crush on me

GC: YOU S1MPLY F4SC1N4T3 M3, H1GHBLOOD >:]

CA: hey sol i got an auspictice

TA: fuck you let me out

CA: no you are stayin in that pit until wwe wwork thins out

GC: H3H3H3H! 1 D1DNT SM3LL THOLLUX H3R3 >:D

GC: 1S H3 GONN4 PL4Y TOO?

TA: you call thii2 playiing?

TA: you are one freaky chiick TZ.

TA: he cut off my thumb2!

CA: shut up lowwblood youre the lowwest one here

GC: TH4TS M1GHTY UNFORTUN4T3 >:/

TA: unfortunate?

TA: how drunk are you?

TA: hiit hiim over the head and get me out of here you dumb biitch!!

GC: MR. 4MPOR4.. JUST WH4T 4R3 YOU PL4NN1NG TO DO W1TH D34R SOLLUX? >:]

GC: 4ND M3?

CA: i wwant you to auspictize our brains out

GC: 4ND TH4T R3QU1R3D CUTT1NG H1S THUMBS OFF?

CA: no i wwas tryin to keep him from escapin

CA: hence his lack of tacky eyes

TA: kiill him kiill him!

TA: he plan2 two iimplant my iis iinto hii2 2kull!

CA: told you i wwas a criminal

GC: 1T S33MS 1 H4V3 STUMBL3D 1NTO QU1T3 4 M3SS!

GC: .. GOOD TH1NG 1M 4 COP >:] *pulls out handcuffs*

CA: youll nevver catch me alivve copper

CA: i drugged your wwine

CA: oh and i havve a permit

GC: H3H3H 1M 4 B1T STRONG3R TH4N TH4T >:D *cuffs him to the door* NOW NOW.. HOW 4M 1 GONN4 G3T THOLLUX OUT?

GC: M4YB3 1 4M 1 L1TTL3 D1ZZY T33H33

TA: iim goiing two diie arent ii.

CA: you havve no right to complain all my plans havve been totally swwept awway

GC: NOT 1F 1 C4N, *hic* H3LP 1T! H3H3H

CA: wwait wwere you offerin sex earlier?

GC: M4YB3! H4H4H

GC: BUT MY M4T3SPR1T WOULD B3 4WFULLY UPS3T 1F H1S B3ST FR13ND W4S.. UH WH4T3V3R YOU W3R3 DO1NG

TA: terezii you are ju2t 2o fucked up iin 2o many way2 ii cant even count them all

CA: youre wwith gam noww?

GC: H3H3H3H G4MZ33?? 1M NOT TH3 ONLY ON3 DRUNK 4ROUND H3R3 *sits at the foot of Sollux's pit*

CA: so hes still free then?

TA: dont fall iin

GC: 1 SUPPOS3.. THOUGH 1 W4S R3F3RR1NG TO K4RKL3S

GC: H3Y THOLLUX C4N YOU GR4B MY H4ND >:? M1GHT B3 4 L1TTL3 TOUGH W1THOUT THUMBS H33H

TA: ii have a bad feeliing about thii2 but 2ure

TA: *grabs hand*

GC: *cackles like a hyena and tries pulling him up* F4T4SS!

TA: *accidently drags terezi into pit*

GC: *lands on him with an angry hiss* SH1111T >:[

TA: told you.

CA: so noww wwere all doomed

GC: 1 KN3W 1 SHOULD H4V3 TOLD DR4GONMOM WH3R3 1 W4S GO1NG >:/

CA: hey maybe skyhorse could rescue us

CA: DAAAADDDDDDYYYYYYY

GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H! OH GOG, D4DDY?

GC: YOU 4R3 TH3 WORST V1LL14N 3V3R >:']

CA: tell your mom to suck eggs

SH: SON

SH: I AM DISAPPOINT

TA: two many people iin here

GC: *still shrieking with laughter* SOLLUX 1S TH1S H4PP3N1NG?

GC: OR 4M 1 JUST R34LLY FUCK1NG DRUNK

~~~~dream sequence ending~~~

AG: Oh Terezi, you were gr88888888t!!!!!!!!

CA: not that great if you ask me

GC: 1 4M 4LW4YS GR34T >:0 TH4NK YOU SP1D3RTROLL!

CA: if i had knowwn you twwo had a fetish for eyeball lickin i nevver wwould havve done this

GC: 4S THOLLUX S41D..

GC: 1 4M 4LL K1NDS OF TW1ST3D >:D

GC: YOU W3R3 4 GOOD SPORT THOUGH H3H3

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We decided to end it here.


	22. Eridan and Gamzee

CA: wwould you care for some brandy?

TC: i WoUlD mOtHeRfUcKiN lOvE sOmE, sIr.

CA: step into my hivve gam

TC: aLl RiGhT, bRo. *steps in and whatnot*

CA: i wwould say my mansion isnt much different from yours but...

CA: your hivve is probably horrifyin

TC: *looks around* nAh, My HiVe

TC: iSn'T hOrRiFyInG, eRi, It'S jUsT aLl MoThErFuCkIn MiXeD uP aNd MeSsY. tHiS, tHoUgH... yOu GoT gRaNdEuR aNd FaNcIfIcAtIoN aLl Up In HeRe.

CA: thank you

CA: you havve true taste

TC: i MeAn, Is ThAt An AcTuAl MoThErFuCkIn MaRbLe SeAhOrSe?

CA: thats my lusus

TC: oH, wHoA, hAhA, sOrRy SiR. *awkwardly half-bows to lusus* tHoUgHt He WaS a MoThErFuCkIn sTaTuE. aNyHoW... bRaNdY?

CA: come dowwn to my cellar

CA: vwa ha ha ha ha

CA: *snort*

TC: wHoA, oKaY. cElLaR, tHaT sOuNdS cHiLl. sUrE tHiNg, BrO. lEaD tHe MoThErFuCkIn WaY. :o)

CA: it is vvery cold

CA: youll havve to hold onto me

TC: sUrE tHiNg. *wraps arms around Eridan, clings like a motherfuckin koala*

CA: is that patro

CA: howwevver thats spelled?

TC: pAtRo?

CA: patchouli thats it

TC: yEaH, iT's A lItTlE bIt Of PaTcHoUlI... wHy? Is It BoThErInG yOu? WiCkEd SoRrY iF It Is.

CA: actually it isnt

CA: i thought it wwould and id havve to bathe you before you wwere brought to me

TC: bAtHe Me...? bRoUgHt To YoU? wHaT'rE yOu On AbOuT, bRo?

CA: i mean brought to me naked as a friend

TC: nAkEd?

CA: hypothetically

CA: this is imagination

CA: look heres the cask

TC: aWwW yEaH. mOtHeRfUcKiN fAnTaStIc. LeT's GeT oUr WiCkEd DrInK oN.

CA: look at these cool glasses i got

CA: you can sniff the hell out your brandy wwith these

TC: tHeY'rE cRaZy, BrO. iT lOoKs LiKe SoMeOnE aLl Up AnD pUt RaInBoWs InTo ThE gLaSs

TC: tHiS bRaNdY sMeLls GoOd.

CA: careful holdin that glass

TC: i'Ll Be CaReFuL, i MoThErFuCkIn PrOmIsE.

CA: lets make a toast

TC: sOuNdS gOoD. tO wHaT?

CA: to the great emotion of lovve and the greater emotion of losin your fuckin vvirginity finally

TC: uH... hAhA, sUrE. tO tHaT. *clinks glass against Eridan's, then downs the whole thing* cOnGrAtS, bRo. wHo'D yOu LoSe It To?

CA: wwell do you still havve your vvirginity?

CA: just askin as a friend you see

TC: yEaH. i JuSt HaVeN't HaD tHe MoThErFuCkIn ChAnCe To... wElL, yOu KnOw.

CA: both red and black?

CA: i mean neither red nor black lets be grammatical here

TC: yEaH, i'M sTiLl A vIrGiN iN bOtH tHoSe MoThErFuCkIn QuAdRaNtS. tHoUgH i'Ve OnLy GoT sOmEoNe I'm AlL uP aNd InTeReStEd In fOr OnE oF tHeM.

CA: wwho?

TC: uHhH... *ducks head, looks away, blushing indigo through his paint, and dodges the question* cAn I mAyBe gEt SoMe MoRe MoThErFuCkIn BrAnDy? iF tHaT's OkAy, I mEaN, bRo.

CA: first wwe actually havve to make the toast

CA: to lovve!

CA: prost!

TC: tO lOvE!

TC: aNd PrOsT, wHaTeVeR tHaT mEaNs.

CA: did you already drink your first glass?

TC: y-YeAh.. I cLiNkEd It AgAiNsT yOuRs. I'm SoRrY, i KnOw ThAt'S wIcKeD rUdE, i ThOuGhT tHaT wAs ThE tOaSt.

CA: no its okay havve some more

TC: tHiS sHiT's DeLiCiOuS.

CA: drink all you wwant got a wwhole big cask here

TC: tHaNkS, bRo.

TC: hAhA, oKaY. gOnNa HaVe To aLl Up AnD aSk YoU fOr AnOtHeR rEfIlL iN a SeC, bRo - iT gOeS dOwN eAsY aS mOtHeRfUcKiN fAyGo.

CA: it makes you feel better than faygo doesnt it?

CA: you feel more sophisticated drinkin such a posh ass drink

CA: you feel more free and wwitty

CA: you feel aroused

TC: uHhH... yEaH, bRo. HaHa. ShIt'S pReTtY fAnTaStIc. I gUeSs I aM fEeLiNg FrEe AnD wItTy AnD wHaTnOt.

CA: do you feel pretty?

CA: oh so pretty?

CA: do you feel pretty and witty and gay?

TC: i Do. AnD i MoThErFuCkIn PiTy AnY tRoLl WhO iSn'T uS tOdAy.

CA: la la la la la la

CA: wwait pity?

CA: youre that free wwith your emotions that you pity evveryone?

CA: except me?

TC: uHhH nOt ThAt KiNd Of PiTy, It'S jUsT pArT oF tHe MoThErFuCkIn SoNg.

TC: nO, nO nO nO. tHeRe'S oNlY oNe MoThErFuCkEr I pItY, hAhA.

CA: yeah it is a confusin song wwhats gay suppose to...

CA: wwwwwhat?????

TC: hOlY mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiT, eRi, cAlM dOwN.

CA: i didnt knoww you felt that wway about me

TC: wElL, uH, i Do, I mEaN, nEvEr MoThErFuCkIn SaId AnYtHiNg 'CaUsE yOu WeRe AlL "bLuH bLuH lAnD-dWeLlErS" aNd I tHoUgHt YoU wErE wAy OuT oF tHiS cLoWn'S lEaGuE aNd.. fUcK, cAn I hAvE sOmE mOrE bRaNdY?

CA: YESH

TC: ...e-ErI? yOu OkAy?

CA: yes gam yes

CA: you arent in my league but wwho cares

TC: sO...

CA: come up to my respiteblock and ill showw you my etchins

CA: and by etchins i mean my bone bulge

TC: sUrE tHiNg. I'd LoVe To AlL uP aNd SeE tHoSe... "eTcHiNgS."

CA: wwalk up this wway and dont trip...

CA: oh fuck i tripped

TC: fUcK. hErE, lEt Me HeLp YoU. i'Ll GeT uS uP tHeSe MoThErFuCkIn StAiRs.

CA: fef told me about stares

CA: she wwarned me dog

TC: sHe ToLd YoU, bRo. iS iT cOoL iF i JuSt AlL uP aNd CaRrY yOu LiKe ThIs?

CA: its beneath my dignity

CA: ill just wwait here til i die

CA: i didnt mean that carry me carry me

TC: wElL tHeN, bRo, tElL yOuR dIgNiTy I sAiD sOrRy. *hoists him up into an awkward bridal carry*

CA: wwhich direction are you goin in?

TC: i DoN't KnOw, BrO. yOu'Re GoNnA hAvE tO pOiNt Me ThE rIgHt WaY, nOw ThAt We'Re Up HeRe.

CA: you wwere wwalkin out the front door

CA: go ovver there

CA: next to troll Gandalf

TC: ...aH, oKaY, hErE wE aRe.

TC: oKaY, oKaY.. hAhA, gAnDaLf Is GiViNg Us ThE dIrTiEsT oF mOtHeRfUcKiN lOoKs RiGhT nOw.

CA: hes a liar

CA: and inanimate

CA: animated statues are the biggest liars dont believve any of them

TC: gOoD tO kNoW.

CA: howw wwould one of those stavves evven fit in me?

CA: im not holloww

TC: gUh, WeLl, I mEaN. uM. aNyHoW. mOvInG tHe MoThErFuCk On. WhErE dO yOu WaNt Me To PuT yOu DoWn?

CA: my concupiscent parlor is ovver there

CA: just kick open the door all dramatic like and yell "the only cure for his condition is lovve!"

TC: hAhAhA. ePiC. wE'rE dOiNg ThIs ShIt. We'Re MaKiNg ThAt HaPpEn.

TC: *strides over, awkardly kicks open said door* tHe OnLy CuRe FoR hIs MoThErFuCkIn CoNdItIoN iS lOvE!

CA: motherfucker wwasnt part of the line

CA: ivve wwatched that episode so many times i should knoww

TC: oH.. sOrRy, ErI, iT jUsT sLiPpEd OuT.

CA: put me on that couch

TC: ePiSoDe....?

CA: "all my spawwn"

CA: oh man

CA: i forgot howw many pictures an fef i had in this room

TC: fUcK, tHeRe /ArE/ a LoT oF mOtHeRfUcKiN pIcTuReS oF hEr Up iN hErE...

TC: *sets him down on the couch in question* sHiT. aRe YoU tWo ToGeThEr Or SoMeThInG?

CA: of course wwere together

CA: wwere in a deep romantic

CA: moirallegiance

TC: oH. oKaY. gOoD. yOu HaD mE aLl KiNdS oF wOrRiEd FoR a SeCoNd.

CA: oh fef wwhy?

TC: wHaT? wAiT.. yOu'Re MoThErFuCkIn FlUsHeD fOr HeR.

CA: no shes not

CA: and im not

CA: just because she givve me thighjobs evvery once in an wwhile

TC: ....wHaT?!

TC: sHe DoEs WhAt?

CA: she puts my bone bulge betwween her thighs and

CA: ohh fef

CA: wwhy do you only lovve me evvery half swweep?

TC: hOlY mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiT.

TC: tHaT's.. WoW.

CA: also wwe are all eight swweeps at this point in time

CA: sexy?

TC: iT's NoT jUsT eVeRy HaLf SwEeP, eRi, tHiS sItUaTiOn'S, uM. wElL iT's KiNd Of MoThErFuCkIn CoNsTaNt.

CA: i wwish

CA: noww lets get naked

TC: sOuNdS lIkE a PlAn To Me. *rapidly divests self of shirt*

CA: how tight did i tie this stupid cape

CA: huh if it werent for the belly youd be perfect

TC: lEt Me GeT tHaT fOr YoU.. sHiT, yOu ReAlLy FuCkInG kNoTtEd It.

CA: wwhy do i wwhere so much shit around my neck?

TC: hAhA, aWw, LeAvE mE aLoNe, mAn. *crosses his arms over his stomach*

CA: got the scarf off and....

CA: oh fuck thats wwhy i covver my neck all the time

TC: wHoA, bRo, WhAt'S uP wItH yOuR nEcK?

CA: thats perfectly normal for seatrolls and you havve no reason to think otherwwise

TC: aRe ThEy At AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN sEnSiTiVe? KiNdA wAnT tO pOkE tHoSe MoThErFuCkErS....

CA: owwww

CA: yes....

TC: sOrRy, I dIdN't MeAn To AlL uP aNd GeT rUdE. iT lOoKs FiNe. GiLlS aRe FiNe. No WoRrIeS.

CA: glub glub

CA: yes my gills are perfectly healthy

CA: cod you get my jacket?

TC: sUrE tHiNg. CoNsIdEr It GoNe.

CA: wwhat gone?

CA: wwhere are you takin my jacket?

CA: i wwant to wwear that

TC: oH. oH, tHaT's WhAt YoU mOtHeRfUcKiN mEaNt.

TC: sOrRy, BrO, iT's ThE bRaNdY. hErE. hErE iT iS.

CA: thank you

CA: ahh my silk smoking and covver myself durin sex jacket

 


	23. Eridan and Tavros believe in magic

**[](http://cel3stial.com/trollmegle) **

CA: wwould you care for some brandy?

AT: wHAT IS, bRANDY,

CA: its wwine gone bad in a good wway

CA: but you probably dont knoww wwhat wwine is

AT: uM NOT REALLY,

CA: its grapes gone bad in a good wway

CA: just like me

AT: hEHEHE, tHAT'S UH, kIND OF FUNNY,

CA: i am vvery wwitty arent i?

AT: yEAH, i GUESS SO,

CA: step into my hivve so i can hit you wwith more repartee

AT: wELL, mAYBE i YOU KNOW, sHOULDN'T, i MEAN,

AT: i GUESS,

AT: -rather than stepping in, he wheels in-

AT: oKAY,

CA: vvacate your wwheel thin and sit on that sofa across from the bust of troll merlin

AT: uM ALRIGHT, -grows uncomfortable at the sight of the bust but lifts himself onto the couch, with a lot of trouble-

CA: nice guns

CA: dont be afraid of the bust

CA: but dont look at it either

AT: yEAH, tHAT WILL NOT BE A PROBLEM,

AT: aND i DON'T HAVE ANY GUNS ON ME,

CA: i mean your arms dumbass

AT: wOW, i GUESS UH, tHANK YOU,

CA: let me put on some music for you to enjoy wwhile i go get the brandy

CA: ~*when you wish upon a star*~

CA: ~*makes no difference who you are*~

CA: ~*eri is fuckin hot*~

AT: uH WOW, cUSTOM MADE SONGS,

AT: -stares at the bust-

AT: oH GOD,

CA: ~* you wwant to wear a skirt like fef *~

CA: ~*go through puberty already*~

AT: -makes a mental note to maybe suggest Eridan, find a better soundtrack, definitely-

CA: ~* vvris sandwwich is tasty like tuna*~

CA: im back did you miss me?

AT: uH, yEAH TO BE HONEST, i WAS GETTING, sCARED,

AT: wHERE DID YOU GO,

CA: i wwent to the cellar to get the cask

CA: dont be scared my little tavv

AT: tHE CASK, oKAY,

AT: tHIS ISN'T SOME WEIRD KIND OF, sET UP RIGHT,

AT: i MEAN, uMM, tHERE ARE NO CRUEL JOKES OR TRICKS INVOLVED,

CA: wwhy wwhat did they tell you?

CA: im no joke

AT: nOBODY UH, tOLD ME ANYTHING,

AT: oKAY, i BELIEVE YOU,

AT: -smiles, pure and believing-

CA: howw did you like my music?

CA: did it make you believve in magic?

AT: iT WAS, uNIQUE, uH VERY YOU,

AT: i ALWAYS BELIEVE IN MAGIC,

CA: let me pour you a glass of brandy

CA: look at these cups howw do they get the goblet that big?

AT: mAGIC, i GUESS,

CA: no not magic its called glass blowwin you idiot

CA: got these at the middle period of troll history fest

AT: yOU ARE UH, a TROLL OF EXQUISITE TASTE,

AT: sORRY,

CA: take this glass

CA: look at the deep color

CA: smell the exquisite bouquet

CA: and then chug that bitch dowwn

AT: -does as the other instructs, the burning sensation overwhelming as he chokes-

CA: oh fuck

CA: do you need mouth to mouth?

AT: -grips onto the arm of the couch, leaning away from him-

CA: no wwait its the hemlock maneuver

CA: and a heavve ho!

AT: -sputters- yOU'RE MAKING, iT WORSE, pLEASE STOP,

CA: wwhile im here can i continue to back hug you?

AT: uHH, -catches his breath- yOU'RE REALLY WARM,

CA: i shouldnt be

AT: yEAH, iT'S UNCOMFORTABLE, mAYBE,

CA: wwhy?

CA: you dont like me?

AT: i'M UH, nOT USED TO THIS KIND OF, tOUCHING,

CA: poor you

CA: get used to it from noww on

AT: i UH, i BETTER GO,

CA: but wwhere is your twwo-wwheeled devvice?

CA: vwa ha ha ha ha ha!

CA: oh its ovver there

AT: oH MY GOD, eRIDAN, yOU'RE UH, aCTING REALLY WEIRD,

AT: aND THAT'S OKAY BUT,

AT: wOW YOU'RE SUPER WARM NOW,

CA: ivve got a fevver for you

CA: and a fevver from wwearing wwet wwool

AT: uHH, fEVER, i GAVE IT TO YOU, i AM SO SORRY,

CA: im more wworried about the wwet wwool one noww

CA: uggh

AT: nOW YOU'RE UH, gETTING ME WET,

AT: sO PLEASE, KINDLY REMOVE YOURSELF,

CA: but howw...

CA: im not wwet

AT: i THOUGHT, yOU HAD WET WOOL,

CA: oops i spilled my glass on you

AT: uH IT WON'T STAIN, wILL IT,

CA: it wwill

AT: tHIS IS NOT GOOD,

AT: oKAY i REALLY SHOULD GO, tO MY HIVE, aND CLEAN IT,

CA: like i dont havve a wwashin machine or wwhatever loww bloods call it

AT: i CALL IT MY CLEANSING HUB,

AT: bUT UH, fIRST OF ALL,

AT: i DON'T WANT TO TROUBLE YOU WITH THAT,

AT: aND ALSO i DON'T WANT TO BE WITHOUT, mY CLOTHES,

AT: wITH YOU,

CA: itd be no trouble

AT: nO OFFENSE, oR ANYTHING,

CA: oh come on

CA: i didnt do that on porpoise

CA: that wwas totally serendipity

AT: tHIS IS GETTING REALLY WEIRD,

AT: i MEAN, nOT ONLY WAS i HERE TO TRY SOME, cOUGH INDUCING BRANDY, bUT NOW, yOU WANT TO DO MY LAUNDRY,

AT: uM, bUT IT STAINS, aND THESE ARE MY GOOD CLOTHES,

CA: im not askin to be your maid

CA: oh and i havve some other clothes for you to wwear wwhile you wwait

AT: aRE YOU SURE,

CA: yes

CA: and these are wwater-proof

CA: you like black swwimsuits?

AT: wOAH, tHAT'S PRETTY COOL,

AT: uH,

AT: a SWIMSUIT,

AT: i MEAN, i GUESS i CAN BEAR WEARING IT, uH WHILE WAITING,

CA: and heres a skirt

CA: and some necklaces

CA: and a wwig

AT: iS THIS EVEN, nECESSARY,

CA: yes its necessary

CA: if someone comes in and says hey a lowwblood

CA: i can just say youre the princess

AT: uH LIKE LARPING,

AT: i GUESS IT MAKES SENSE,

AT: rUFIO, tHINKS IT'S NOT A BAD IDEA,

CA: wwhos this rufio?

CA: you got a boyfriend?

AT: uHH WOAH,

AT: hE IS NOT REAL,

AT: jUST A FIGMENT OF MY, oVERACTIVE IMAGINATION,

AT: hE IS, mY CONFIDENCE,

AT: -puts on the costume with trouble, especially the skirt, since his legs are non functioning and all-

CA: -helps him-

AT: -tries to be brave through the ordeal-

AT: uH, tHANKS,

CA: its kind of wweird wwearin undies under a swwimsuit but ill let it pass

AT: -sigh of relief-

AT: i DON'T MIND IT, aT ALL,

CA: at least got to see your underwwear

AT: uM, tHEY'RE pUPA pAN,

CA: you should wwipe better

CA: pupa pan should wwipe better

AT: wAIT,

AT: wHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN,

CA: oh shit do you not wwipe at all

CA: ewwwwwwwww

CA: and i let you wwear fefs clothes

AT: i WIPE,

AT: i WIPE PLENTY,

CA: front to back or back to front

AT: fRONT TO BACK,

CA: good

CA: now

CA: could you be a little more...

CA: excited?

AT: uH EXCITED,

AT: i AM EXCITED,

CA: like -----excited?

AT: uH,

AT: -flushes- oKAY, i DON'T WANT TO UH, dO THIS ANYMORE, i LOOK, uGLY,

CA: DONT YOU DARE SAY THAT ABOUT FEF

CA: umm

CA: wwhat wwould rufio say?

AT: hE WOULD SAY, dO WHAT YOU BELIEVE,

CA: wwhat do you believve?

AT: tHIS IS STUPID,

AT: i'M SORRY,

CA: wwoe is me

CA: time for another day wwith my fef body pilloww

AT: oKAY YOU ARE JUST UH,

AT: wOW,

CA: leavve me alone

CA: oh wwait you cant

CA: wwell go off and play somewwhere in my hivve

AT: i CAN'T WALK,

CA: roll off

AT: hOW LONG UNTIL MY CLOTHES ARE, dONE,

CA: i dont knoww kan does my laundry

AT: -shifts into four wheeled device, with a lot of trouble of course-

AT: wHAT,

AT: iS SHE DOING IT NOW,

CA: no

CA: do laundry machine need to be turned on?

AT: oH MY GOD, i'M NEVER GETTING UH, oUT OF HERE,

AT: sO WITH THAT,

AT: i'M LEAVING,

AT: aDIOS, yOU UH, sICK FISH CHILD,

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told the other person I wanted to wrap things up. They aren't an asshole.


	24. Eridan and Sollux get down (explict)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: I am now doing Erotic Roleplaying. My life is over.

CA: laaaadies

TA: ii dont know what two do...iim all tiied up and 2omeone left me naked...

CA: this is the best night of my sad sad life

CA: is that...honey?

TA: ye2...iim 2o fuckiing 2tiicky...

CA: is it mind honey?

CA: wwhat does that stuff do again?

TA: ii dont know.

TA: and iit make2 your miind go crazy...

CA: hey wwhy dont i scoop some off you and put it in your mouth

TA: no...no no no!

CA: surely nothin bad wwill happen

TA: ii dont wanna rii2k iit.

CA: *because he's an idiot*

CA: *does so*

TA: mmnmnmogfff......

CA: ummmm

CA: cool split tongue there

CA: cool glowwin eyes

TA: ...*pants, honey dripping down his tongues as he looks up at him* y-yeah...let2 hope you diid not ju2t make one of the wor2t mii2take2 of your liife.

CA: wwhat are those thins on your chest?

TA: ii...ii dont know.......iim 2eeiing thiings iin all red and blue....*closes his eyes* ii...thiink iit ii2 miind honey......

TA: gog.

CA: is that a husk?

CA: gog?

TA: Nngh.......my head...*lowers his head, his glasses falling off*

CA: passin out already?

CA: wwimp

CA: hmmm

CA: its not much fun if you arent gettin wwet from howw dashin and diabolic i am

CA: here i strap you to a table and you dont care about my effort

CA: okay i just happened upon you but my point still stands

TA: *looks up, his eyes flickering brightly* what...are you gonna do wiith me...?

CA: i though you kneww me

CA: wwere friends

CA: you should knoww im a rapin sex maniac

CA: wwell more like ravvishin actually he he he

CA: *snort*

TA: 2o...ii would a22ume youll take advantage of me liike thii2........well, fuck...*turns his head away*

CA: yes the advvantage is eridan ampora

CA: nothin wwill stop my wavve of lovve

CA: nothin

TA: *tries to jerk back, his attempt failing* nothiing at all...?

CA: maybe premature ejaculation

CA: not that i havve a problem wwith that

CA: *gets boner*

CA: *takes off cape*

TA: *hisses, biting his lip in aggravation as he jerks harder* Nngh....fuck...

CA: *takes off scarf*

CA: ow ow ow air hitting malformed gills ow ow

CA: dont look at me gillless freak

TA: ii cant beliieve my fuckiing luck...*continues to struggle*

CA: me neither

CA: *takes off shoes and pants*

CA: *leaves on shirt cause he's a wuss*

CA: behold my almost naked form

TA: *rolls his eyes* go2h. how iincrediible...

CA: i knoww

CA: i bet your nook is

CA: fuck totally dry

TA: *scowls*

CA: lets remedy that

CA: i order you to get wwet nonscumbag

TA: and how do you expect me two do that when my hand2 are tiied up...?

CA: i thought psychics could do it on command

CA: guess i havve to do evverythin myself

CA: *sigh*

CA: *starts lickin*

TA: of coouuu--aaahhhhhhhhh. *hisses and bites harder on his lip* cau2e....liike iid do anythiing youd 2ay anyway2....

CA: this is so wweird

CA: ((yes it is))

CA: shut up me

TA: *closes his eyes, scowling* you are 2uch a fuckiing diick....

CA: ooo i can taste the hate on you

CA: its so awesome

CA: *awwesome

CA: *flickers and lickers*

TA: *sinks his nails into his palms, cringing* you hate me two...you know iit...

CA: hey wwanna taste me?

TA: no. *glares*

CA: look wwhich one of is the highblood and wwhich one of us is tied up?

TA: fuck you...

CA: *get up on table*

CA: *tries to get up on table*

CA: *succeeds*

CA: *suck seed*

CA: wwhats it called wwhen twwo trolls pail in each others mouth at the same time?

TA: you, being a lo2er?

CA: its some number

CA: hmmmmm

CA: by the wway wwhats kar doin these days?

TA: ii dont know. beiing a douchebag. obviiou2ly.

CA: nuff shit chat its time to suck my sea cucumber

CA: *puts azz in face*

TA: ugh...fuckiing hate you even more for thii2...*bites on his 'so-called sea cucumber', curling his tongue around it*

CA: owww

CA: wwhy wwould you eat a reel sea cucumber anywway?

CA: fuck its not a reel sea cucumber you cant eat it

CA: hmmm

CA: *sucks bulge*

TA: ii bit iit...2o maybe....you could get iit out of my face...cant beliieve iim doiing thii2...*begins to suck deeply*

CA: *puts ringed fingers in nook*

TA: *hisses and shudders* owww......2tupiid fucker!!!! diid you have two leave your riing2 on?!

CA: yeah noww im gonna havve to dump them in vvinger

CA: *but he might as well continue*

TA: *cringes with each sting of the cold metal, panting hard* fuckiing.........hurt2...

CA: i can put in twwo fingers in at a time

CA: howw fuckin appropriate

TA: great...ju2t fuckiing great...

CA: as a master an the depths i must showw you my

CA: deep throat

CA: *pushes head down sollux's long skinny bulge*

CA: *bulge hits uvula*

TA: *moans and jerks his hips upward off the table, tilting his head back* nnnngh!!!!!!!! 2top iiiiiitt!!!!!

CA: *vomits*

TA: you 2tupiid fucker!!!! *gives a disgusted scowl*

CA: you should havve stayed perfectly still

TA: kiinda hard...when you are 2uckiing on me!

CA: are your clothes anywwhere?

CA: i need somethin to clean this up wwith

TA: ii dont know...they 2hould be 2omewhere around here.

CA: *looks around*

CA: *climbs off table*

CA: a...bee outfit?

TA: ye2...

TA: problem2?

CA: wwhat wwere you doin yesterday?

TA: ii wiish ii knew...

TA: ii dont even know.

CA: *wipes sollux's chest with unitard*

CA: *cleans up honey that everyone forgot about*

CA: ugggh

TA: ii wiish ii knew. tru2t me, ii do.

CA: *climbs back on*

CA: forget this timid lickin shit

CA: im gonna rock your bone bulge

TA: *sighs* alriight...let2 get to iit. ii giive iin.

CA: im mean rock your nook

CA: i am not a bottom

TA: fiine. ii cant do 2hiit about iit anyway2.

CA: *take dik*

CA: *slams it in*

TA: *tenses up, biting his lip hard to stop from screaming out in pleasure, blood trickling down his mouth as he shakily pants*

CA: *cries*

CA: *nose runs*

CA: its...allergies

TA: w-what...the hell, eriidan...?

TA: two what!?

CA: huh?

CA: not to sex thats for shore

TA: what the fuck are you allergiic two...? me or 2omethiing???

CA: yes thats it

TA: niice.

CA: you....oh cod you...

CA: oh gallopin catfish this is good

TA: gallopiin...what?

CA: oh fef

CA: oh oh fef

TA: iim not ff, you fucktard.

TA: *pants heavily*

CA: shut up *sob* and leavve me wwith my imagination

CA: ah ah ah this is better than a mircowavved fish

TA: then...do you want me two say, "oh glub...gluuub me harder wiith your biig burly fii2h cucumber~!!!!!!"

CA: yes of course i do

CA: oh oooooh glub glub

TA: fiine.

CA: you mean....*sobglub*...fin?

TA: ii cant help my damn lii2p...*moans loudly* "oooohhhhhhh eriiiiidaaaannnn~~~~~~~~~!!!!!! iit2 2o biig~!!!! REELY biiig~~~!!!! dont 2tooop~"

CA: oh cod oh cod

CA: pail pail pail pailpailpail

CA: *pulls out*

CA: thar she blowwws!

TA: *snorts* you...really are a fuckiing iidiiot!!!! *gives a lengthy moan*

CA: *cumz on he own face*

CA: *shameful wigger*

TA: *looks up at him* pathetiic...fiish fucker...

CA: pfff

CA: wwhy did i wwear my shirt?

TA: ii dont know...

TA: cau2e maybe you are a dumb a22.

CA: time for you to taste my hate

CA: *kiss sollux with tartar-filled mouth*

TA: *gives a disgusted look, nipping at his tongue*

CA: ummm i lovve your tongue

CA: ulmmm

CA: *this is the sound of french kissing*

TA: mmmmnnnn........*pants into his mouth slowly, closing his eyes*

CA: *pulls away*

CA: hey wwhy havvent you come yet?

TA: ii...am tryiing to control my2elf...that2 why...*gives a flustered look*

CA: vha ha ha

CA: i wwill make you lose control

TA: oh yeah? try me...

CA: let me just get up on top of this stick you call a bone bulge

CA: im just doin this to make you go crazy

CA: its not like...ummm...i like it or anythin

TA: whatev2, eriidan...

CA: fuck this thin is long

CA: like a probsicious

CA: or one of my wwands

TA: ii bet that get2 you off....

CA: i nevver use them that wway thats just a lie

CA: oh oh your bone bulge is so shitty

TA: fuck you...

CA: oh troll merlin fuck me harder

CA: oh troll gandalf lay that pipe on me

TA: 2hut...the...fuck...up...*closes his eyes, still trying to control himself*

CA: magneto wwas right

CA: *cums again*

CA: oh fuck

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to go do something that wasn't masturbating furiously. Sorry.


	25. HALP

I wish I could say there are more crazy Eridan adventures coming up, but there aren't. I don't have enough internet time to RP no matter how much I wish I could. So instead, I open it up to you. I want you to go onto Trollmegle, pretend to be Eridan, seduce whoever you find with brandy and etchings, and post a link here. Here are some rules you should remember:

 

1\. Know what etchings are. Study the art of printmaking fully. Ignore it because you aren't trying to put on an art show.

2\. Don't actually have sex, unless it would be really funny. Or unless you're really horny.

3\. Don't mistake your AU Eridan's typing quirk with the canon Eridan's.

4\. NEVER LOOK AT THE BUST OF TROLL MERLIN!

 

 

(Or maybe I do have time. [http://trollmegle.net/saveLog.php?userId=2154399&strangerId=2154398](http://trollmegle.net/saveLog.php?userId=2154399&strangerId=2154398))


	26. Eridan and deaf!Jade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The glorious return of Eridan and his fuckin etchins!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Interesting concept, a deaf character.

CA: would you like to sea my etchins?

GG: (deaf Jade)

GG: ((Oh, I've heard of you.))

CA: *gestures to hive*

GG: Jade reads his lips and nods.

CA: *walks into hive*

CA: *opens door*

GG: *enters*

CA: *looks at jade's azz*

CA: *enters*

CA: *points at bust of trollMerlin and shakes head*

GG: *stomps on his foot accidentally*

CA: GLUUUUUUUUB

CA: *shierks loud enough the deaf can hear*

GG: *in sign language* You can talk you know.

CA: *can't read sign language*

GG: *feels a vibration in her ears*

CA: *slaps fly on her ear*

GG: *rubs her ear and doesn't yell out*

CA: *nervously waves his arms around in apology*

GG: *talking* It's ok.

CA: JT!

CA: the human can talk!

GG: *reads Eridan's lips and frowns*

CA: DO YOU WWANT TO SEE MY ETCHINS?

GG: *nods quickly*

CA: *points upstairs*

CA: *waggles plucked eyebrows*

GG: *walks upstairs*

CA: *follows*

CA: *looks more at azz*

GG: *waits for Eridan once she finishes walking*

CA: *opens door to The Block Of Shitty Tentacle

CA: *Rape Art*

GG: *looks inside in horror*

CA: *nods smuggly*

CA: *points to huge tentacle*

CA: *points to pants*

GG: *turns away, takes a notepad out of her sylladex, and writes* youre disturbing me eridan!!! :(

CA: hmph humans

CA: dont get art at all

CA: SKETCH SOME HUMAN ART FOR ME

GG: *thinking* Hmph, trolls.

GG: *draws a portrait of Eridan and shows it to him*

CA: *gasps at nude portrait*

CA: *cries*

GG: *smirks*

CA: *takes portrait and rips it up*

GG: ...

CA: *pushes her out of block*

CA: *locks door*

 


	27. Eridan and the Handmaid

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins?

HM: Alright.

CA: ((aradia?))

HM: What are these etchings?

CA: fuckin great pieces an art

CA: scratch up a metal plate and slap some ink on it

CA: print a bunch of cool pictures

HM: ((handmaid))

CA: dont you lowwbloods knoww anythin?

HM: I've lived a sheltered life, wriggler. Sh0w s0me respect. I've already agreed t0 l00k at y0ur "art" but if y0u c0ntinue in this manner I might leave.

CA: umm youre kind an scary

CA: wwhy are you glowwin like that?

HM: It is merely an aspect 0f my p0wer. N0w are y0u g0ing t0 sh0w me y0ur art 0r n0t?

CA: *gulps*

CA: yes yes step into my hivve

HM: Alright. Lead the way.

CA: *leads the wway*

CA: umm wwelcome to my hivve

CA: dont look at the bust oh fuck it you can look at the bust an troll Merlin

HM: Nice hive.

CA: thanks!

CA: do you like my statues?

HM: I see. A fascinati0n with wizards, I presume?

CA: theyre fakey fake

CA: but wwicked awwesome

HM: They are very...interesting.

CA: if only magic wwas real

CA: *fondles staff suggestively*

HM: Fantasy may be fake, but it will always be real in y0ur mind.

CA: that sounds like somethin tav or gam would say

HM: Magic is real, child.

CA: could you showw me some?

CA: not that i believve you

HM: The study 0f magic is l0ng and intensive, but if y0u wish, I may be able t0 teach y0u.

CA: boooorin

HM: Y0u d0n't f00l me child. *Takes out needle wands and tendrils of rainbow power seep out of the wand and grabs several statues, levitating them*

CA: noooooooo

CA: do you knoww howw many credits those cost?

CA: i got them the week the empire used money

CA: *wweek

HM: They're n0t br0ken yet, y0u whining f00l. If y0u c0ntinue, I will break them.

CA: *whimpers*

CA: are you goin to spank me?

HM: N0. But I will break y0ur statues. *lets them fall*

CA: *holds broken pieces in hand*

CA: wwwwhhhhy?

CA: i should havve taken more pictures

HM: Because y0u're an ann0ying twit. ]

HM: Y0u take pictures with y0ur statues.

CA: of course thats wwhat i got them for

CA: sometimes i play chess wwith them

HM: Y0u play chess with y0ur statues.

HM: Nevermind. Sh0w me y0ur etchings

CA: followw me up the stairs

HM: *follows*

CA: and by playin chess i mean i use them as chess pieces

CA: *opens door to art block*

CA: wwhat do you think?

HM: I d0n't see much special ab0ut them. Merely lines etched in an aesthetically appealing manner.

CA: are you blind?

CA: look at this picture of the empress

CA: its more than just "lines"

CA: this is a sacred icon

CA: plus shes hot as fuck

HM: She w0uld murder y0u, and eat y0ur entrails if she ever heard y0u speak s0 disrespectfully 0f her.

CA: cool black romance

CA: shes askin for it wwith that dress of hers

CA: howw does she evven wwalk in that thin?

HM: D0n't be silly, kismesis d0n't kill each 0ther.

CA: ill take wwhat i can get

HM: And the C0ndescensi0n d0esn't wear that.

CA: she probably also doesnt wwear a gimp mask either

CA: and ballet heels

CA: and a wwizards hat

CA: damn you can barely recognize her

HM: I didn't.

HM: The Empress w0uld never dress like an expensive h00ker.

CA: if only she could pose for her

CA: at least she looks like an expensivve hooker

CA: *pose for me

HM: Again, if the Empress ever saw this, she w0uld kill y0u. And destr0y this picture. And then dem0lish y0ur hive.

CA: shes light years awway isnt she?

CA: and and shed nevver come to this planet right?

CA: right?

HM: I supp0se y0u are right.

CA: could you pose for me?

HM: She will n0t arrive here at Alternia f0r an0ther th0usand sweeps.

CA: howw long wwill i livve?

CA: can you magic me that?

HM: N0, I am n0t p0sing f0r y0u, y0u ingrate. N0t after what y0u've d0ne t0 the C0ndesce's image. And I refuse t0 tell y0u h0w l0ng y0u'll live. Y0u have n0t earned the privilege.

CA: wwhats wwith you and the condesce?

CA: do you havve a crush on her?

HM: M0irails.

CA: MORAILS?

CA: YOU MEAN YOU TELL HER WWHAT TO DO?

HM: Well, yes. I d0 give her advice, and vice versa. We are m0irails.

CA: wwhy are you so far awway from her noww?

HM: Because I am where I am need, and right n0w, I am n0t needed.

CA: wwhats she like?

HM: *needed

HM: Well, she's pr0ud, arr0gant and haughty, but fun l0ving and ambiti0us.

CA: wwhat shoe size does she wwear?

HM: She cares deeply f0r th0se cl0se t0 her, but she's n0t cl0se t0 many

HM: Why w0uld I tell y0u?

HM: Why are y0u s0 stupid?

HM: 0h wait, y0u're Dualscar's descendant aren't y0u? Y0u've g0t his sign. Well that explains it.

CA: hey wwatch what you say about the admiral

CA: he killed a thousand lusii in one night

HM: Yes, and I c0uld kill ten th0usand Dualscars in 0ne night.

HM: H0nestly, he's such an idi0t.

CA: hes my idiot

CA: wwhats he like?

CA: howw strong is his chin?

CA: wwas his chin

HM: He's an idi0t and a f00l, and b0astful. I refuse t0 give y0u any such details ab0ut his chin.

CA: wwhat about his bone bulge?

HM: N0.

CA: yes of course you wwould knoww he wwould nevver touch a lowwblood like you

CA: um no offense

CA: *wouldnt

HM: It's n0t like he didn't try.

HM: He's as desperate as y0u.

CA: no wway he got all the tail

CA: all of it

CA: look at mindfang

HM: His 0ne c0nquest, and she g0t b0red 0f him s00n en0ugh.

CA: he dumped her

CA: she said so in her journal

HM: N0, he killed her matesprit, which is an0ther matter entirely.

CA: yeah thats howw he dumped her

CA: so he could kill that bitch

CA: you dont fuck with your kismesis matesprit

HM: Interpret that which ever way y0u will, but Mindfang was ab0ut fed up with him at that p0int in time.

CA: she wwas exhausted by him

CA: vvris said the same about me

CA: *wink wink* oh wwho am i kiddin she got tired of my drama

HM: Wh0 w0uldn't.

CA: my body pilloww doesnt

CA: wwant to sea it?

HM: N0!

HM: I d0 n0t wish t0 see anything 0f y0urs anym0re.

HM: And I'll d0 the C0ndesce a fav0r.

CA: wwhat?

HM: *Blasts horrid etching*

CA: noooo

CA: at least you didnt blast me

HM: Believe me, I am inches away fr0m d0ing that.

CA: are you goin to leavve noww?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry but Handmaid/diamond/Condesce just doesn't work at all on any level.


	28. Eridan and ghost!Aradia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you need to make your own fun.

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins?

AA: 0u0

CA: hello aradia

AA: 0\\_0

CA: howw is your life?

AA: hell0

CA: ((which aradia is this?))

AA: ghost~]]

AA: 0k

CA: ahhh a ghost

CA: this is not okay

CA: are you goin to possess me and make me do pervverted thins?

AA: uhh n0

CA: oh im not good enough for you

AA: 0h

AA: 0\\_0 eridan calm d0wn

CA: you dont exist

CA: ghosts are fakey fake bullshit

CA: im not swweatin ivve just been swwimin

AA: ...

AA: well then what am i

AA: 0u0

CA: a hallucination

AA: ...

AA: w0w

CA: somethin wwas in that nicosimulant

CA: and the sherry

CA: and the sopor slime

AA: 0w 0\\_0

CA: i only tasted it

CA: that disgustin slime tastes like antifreeze

CA: bakin it doesnt help

AA: 0h 0k

CA: gam must havve no taste buds thats howw he can drink that faygo swwill

CA: wwant to come into my hivve ms hallucination?

AA: 0\\_0 umm

CA: *and she does so*

AA: im a gh0st...........

AA: 0\\_0

CA: *because i control her moves in a violation of protocol*

CA: cant you say anythin else?

AA: b00

AA: hell0

CA: AHHHHHH!

AA: s0llux

CA: A GHOST!

AA: umm.. 0u0

CA: wwhere?

AA: here

CA: oh fuuuuck the drugs are kickin in?

AA: 0h g0g

TA: hey a22hole what are you doing wiith my giirlfriiend?

TA: *looks up skirt*

AA: 0h s0llux--- hey..

AA: 0\\_0

TA: hey want two enjoy my 2udden maniic 2ex driive?

AA: 0\\_0

CA: listen bud im the only one wwho gets to perv out here

TA: briing iit fiish boy, 2he'2 miine

▲: *insert fight scene*

AA: ...

AA: *sigh*

▲: *insert sex scene*

AA: ...

 


	29. Eridan and bull!Tavros

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short and crazy

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins?

AT: wHAT,

CA: yes i havve etchins an fairies

CA: hello?

AT: oH SORRY,,,

AT: i THOUGHT, yOU WERE STILL TYPING,

CA: you mean speakin

CA: *awkward moment*

AT: yEAH,,,

CA: glub

CA: yeah just step into my hivve

CA: i mean roll in

AT: mOO,

CA: ahh he turned into a bull!

CA: the lengths people will go to avvoid me

CA: *rides bull!Tavros like a mechanical bull*

AT: mOOO,

CA: *flies away on bull!Tavros*

AT: *tries to buck eridan off*

CA: *eridan grabs horns*

AT: mOO,

CA: i ride evvery night ya gotta try harder than that

AT: *bucks hardder*

AT: *harder

CA: *gets hard*

CA: *awkward boner*

AT: *bull boner*

CA: *insert disgusting sex scene here*


	30. Eridan and Terezi get drunk

CA: wwould you like to sea my etchins?

GC: 1F BY 3TCH1NS, YOU M34N "BON3BULG3," TH3N H3LL NO, 4MPOR4

CA: oh come on havve some faith in me

CA: that might come later but first i do a little seaduction

GC: OK4Y, TRY M3

CA: i havve brandy

GC: 4R3NT W3 4 L1TTL3 UND3R4G3?

GC: BY HUM4N ST4ND4RDS, 4NYW4Y

CA: oh look at little miss play by the rules

CA: youre no fun

CA: ill just get you a shandy

GC: WH3N 1T COM3S TO YOU, 1'D R4TH3R ST4Y 4L3RT

GC: *sips drink*

GC: YOU PUT SOM3TH1NG 1N TH1S, D1DNT YOU?

GC: >:[

CA: its just lemonade

CA: yes shandy is just a fancy term for lemonade nothing else

GC: SUREEEEEEEEE...

GC: *sips drink anyway*

CA: *drinks shandy too*

CA: yeeeaahh its just a little lemonade for the groown seet

GC: *finishes drink* NOT B4D, G1MM3 4NOTH3R

CA: *pours small one for her, big one for himself*

CA: *drinks*

CA: can barely taste the...not alcohol...in this

CA: its like a lemon trees got flushed for me

GC: J-*hic*-J3GUS...

GC: H3Y 4MPOR4, WHY--*hic*--WHY DO3SNT K4RK4T LOV3 M3?

GC: >:'[

CA: cause he doesnt knoww

CA: knoww youre a beautifin lady

CA: wwho can suck the chrome off a space ship

GC: R34LLY?

GC: 4W TH4TS *hic* SW33T OF YOU

GC: 4ND 4LL TH1S T1ME 1 THOUGHT YOU W3R3 JUST TRY1NG TO G3T 1NTO 3V3RYON3S P4NTS

CA: only fefs pants

CA: feeeeeeeeeeeef

CA: and she wwears a skirt

GC: SK1RTS 4R3 34S13R TO G3T 1NTO, THOUGH

GC: YOU ST1LL H4V3 4 SHOT

GC: MMMM SHOT SOUNDS GOOD R1GHT NOW,,,

CA: wwith my harpoon?

GC: NONONO L1K3 TRY W1NN1NG H3R B4CK

GC: SH3'LL F4LL 1N LOV3 W1TH YOU, M4YB3 1F YOU TRY...UMM...

CA: yeah shes got a nice back

GC: 1'D GO FOR TH4T B4CK >:]

GC: M4YB3 TRY B31NG N1C3 TO SOLLUX OR SOM3TH1NG

CA: and fuck him too

GC: SH3'D PROB4BLY 4PPR3C14T3 TH4T

CA: yeah hes cute in that skinny unfed wway

CA: does he got twwo...

CA: wwhatsits?

GC: UMMM 1 4LW4YS *hic* THOUGHT SO...1 WOULDNT KNOW FROM 3XP3R13NC3 THOUGH

CA: twwo beehouses?

GC: DO3S YOUR TH1NG13 H4V3...UMMM...

GC: G1LLS OR SOM3TH1NG?

CA: damn howwd he evven get one

GC: 4LW4YS W4NT3D TO KNOW...

CA: my wwhat thin?

CA: my gills are okay

GC: YOUR BON3BULG3, OF COURS3

CA: theyre only FUSED SHUT

CA: my bonebulge?

CA: if only i had gills there

GC: DOES 1T H4V3 G1LLS OR SOM3TH1NG?

GC: OHHHH

CA: i could swwim around wwith my bulge hangin out

GC: TH4T'D B3 S3XY. 1 B3T F3F3R1 WOULD LOV3 TH4T

CA: but she doesnt like my bulge or nook

CA: not even after i sent her a picture on pergrees evve

CA: tattooed on a whale

GC: HUH, 1 DONT UND3RST4ND WHY SH3 WOULDNT L1K3 TH4T

GC: 1'D L1K3 TH4T 1F K4RK4T D1D TH4T FOR M3

CA: wwhat has kar done for you?

CA: you tell me

CA: nothin

CA: hes done nothin

CA: not evven stolen your shoes i bet

GC: MY SHO3S?

GC: WHY 1N GOGS N4M3 WOULD H3 DO TH4T?

CA: because theyre big and sexy and red

CA: look howw big those are

CA: not as big as fef though

GC: ...Y34H, TH3Y 4R3 PR3TTY B1G

GC: 1M QU1T3 PROUD OF TH3M 4CTU4LLY

GC: >:]

CA: do you evver find yourself tied up to a human bed and someone ticklin your feet wwith an angel feather?

GC: Y3S, HOW D1D YOU KNOW???

CA: it happened to you too?

GC: Y3S, 1T W4S QU1T3 ODD

CA: my land wwas wweird and creepy

CA: but sexy

GC: *hic* YOUR3 W31RD 4ND CR33PY

GC: BUT S3XY

GC: GOD, 1M DRUNK 4R3NT 1?

CA: yes

CA: from twwo beers

CA: god wwere pathetic

GC: T33H33 YUP

GC: 1 WOND3R WH4T K4RK4T 4ND F3F WOULD H4V3 TO S4Y TO US 1N TH1S ST4T3

CA: theyre too busy pailin

CA: and talkin about us

GC: *sniff* TH4T J3RK

GC: STUP1D STUP1D DUMB4SS

CA: im goin to call them

CA: do a little coltis interrepptuce

CA: wwhatev

CA: *takes out cellphone*

GC: H33H33H33 DO 1T DO 1T DO 1T

CA: HEY FEF HOWW SMALL IS KAR?

GC: OH GOG, TH1S 1S PR1C3L3SS

CA: YEAH YOU MISS THE WWHALE DONT YOU

CA: YOU PICK UP THE PHONE RIGHT NOWW

CA: PICK IT UP

CA: PLEEEEASE?

GC: G1MM3 TH4T PHON3 *snatches it*

GC: *dials"

GC: P1CK UP D4MM1T

GC: H3Y K4RK4T 1 B3T F3F 1SNT N34RLY 4S GOOD W1TH H3R TONGU3 4S 1 4M

GC: C4NT COMP3T3 W1TH TH3 BL1ND G1RL, YOU FUCK4SS

GC: H3LLO? H3LLO? GOGD4MM1T

CA: stupid stupid horny bastards

CA: or not horny bastard

CA: hehe nubs

GC: H3Y THOS3 NUBS 4R3 S3XY!

CA: are my horns sexy?

CA: *headbutts terezi a little*

GC: H33H33H33! OF COURS3 TH3Y 4R3!

CA: but if horns mean bulge then mine would be crooked

CA: so maybe thats all whale noodles

CA: howw bigs kar?

GC: H33H33H33 H3 M4Y B3 SHORT, BUT H1S BULG3 C3RT41NLY 1SNT 1N PROPORT1ON W1TH H1S H31GHT

CA: so its bigger than him?

GC: W3LLLLL OK4Y 1 H4V3NT 4CTU4LLY SM3LL3D 1T Y3T

GC: H3 K1NDA H4SNT G1V3N M3 4NY 4CT1ON Y3T...

GC: K1ND4 4 SH1TTY M4T3SPR1T

CA: at least he is your matesprit

CA: fef doesnt evven wwant to be my friend

CA: feeeeeeeeeef

GC: 4WWW COM3 H3R3...

GC: *gives him an awkward hug*

CA: *comes here*

CA: glub

CA: not agaaaaaain

GC: 4WW 1 TH1NK TH3 GLUBB1NG 1S CUT3 >:]

CA: umm thats not the problem

CA: could you take your hand off my ass noww?

GC: OH H33H33 SORRY

CA: im sorry

CA: wwoww you cant smell it?

CA: its all ovver

CA: gonna need a new conch

CA: i mean couch

CA: wwhere you goin?

GC: 1 DONT KNOW, JUST TRY1NG TO S33 1F 1 C4N W4LK 1N 4 STR41GHT L1N3

GC: *falls over*

GC: GU3SS NOT

GC: H33H33H33

CA: im gonna go to the sea and wwatch this grape jam off

CA: *wwash

GC: H33H33 H4V3 FUN W1TH TH4T

CA: *leaves*


	31. Eridan and Terezi but only Eridan gets fucked up

GC: H3Y

CA: you like art dont ya?

CA: wwant to sea my etchins?

GC: 1 DO...

CA: just dont lick my art thats just gross

GC: UH SUR3....

GC: 1 W4S GONN4 4SK 1F TH3Y T4ST3 GOOD...

CA: step into my hivve

CA: of course i havve good taste after all

GC: -ST3PS 1NTO HIV3-

CA: please make yourself comfortable

CA: wwould you like somethin to drink?

CA: some brandy?

GC: D3P3NDS WH4T DO YOU H4V3 TO DR1NK

GC: SOUNDS GOOD

CA: sherry brandy whiskey faygo

CA: okay let me just get it

CA: AND DONT LOOK AT THE BUST OF TROLL!MERLIN

GC: OK

GC: -W4NTS TO LOOK 4T 1T NOW-

CA: *goes down to cellar*

CA: *time passes*

GC: -LOOKS 4T BUST-

CA: *strange awkward time*

CA: *bust looks back*

GC: -F33LS CR33P3D UPON-

CA: *eridan comes back*

CA: *he's holding a mason jar full of some odd dark amber substance*

CA: you didnt look at the bust did you?

GC: NO....

CA: hmph

GC: 1 C4NT 3X4CTLY S33 4NYW4Y

CA: oh yes thats right ha ha ha

CA: *opens jar of brandy*

CA: *holds it under Terezi's nose*

GC: -SN1FFS 1T M4K1NG SUR3 1TS NOT PO1SON3D-

CA: dont mind the stuff floatin in there i heard its supposed to be like that

CA: *pulls it back and takes swig of it*

GC: 1 DONT KNOW 4BOUT TH4T

GC: -M4K3S SUR3 TO 4CTU4LLY H34R H1M SW4LLOW TH3 L1QUID- OK...

CA: aww gluuuub this is great

CA: *blushes like a japanese schoolgirl*

CA: *troll japanese schoolgirl*

GC: -R41S3S 4 BROW-

CA: wwait this is gams urine

CA: from after he ate those mushrooms

GC: OH GOG

CA: ((this is an actual thing))

CA: oh gog is right

CA: IM TRIIIIIIIPIN

CA: and drunk for some reason

GC: WHY D1D YOU H4V3 TH4T 1N YOUR C3LL4R?!

CA: did gam just come in or is that a hallucination?

CA: i dont wwant to talk about that

CA: it wwas a vvery odd wwrigglin day party

GC: 1 S33...

CA: do you see gam?

CA: i mean smell gam?

CA: hes vvery easy to smell

CA: and noww hes eight feet tall and has huge forearms so hes hard to miss

CA: oh hey little dragons thats cool

GC: NO 1 DONT

GC: M4YB3 1 SHOULD JUST GO....

CA: AHH HE JUST TOOK ONE OF THE DRAGONS AND ATE IT

CA: dont leavve me i need you to brin me dowwn

CA: *gets in a grub position on the couch*

CA: glub glub glub glub glub

GC: -TR13S TO L34V3-

GC: SOM3 OTH3R T1M3 3R1D4N.... WH3N YOU 4R3NT FUCK3D UP.... W3LL T4LK 4G4IN

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This really is a thing.  
> http://www.damninteresting.com/urine-for-a-treat/


End file.
